The past week
has allowed little time for anything more than purging my life into as little
as possible to then moving it to a much bigger space and realizing that this is
what it really feels like to start from scratch. I am trying in all ways to
stay on the positive thought path, but there is something about staring at completely
empty rooms that makes you wonder if this was really the best decision.
Speaking of best decisions; I have
questioned lately who all I let know about this blog. What started as a way to
speak my mind about myself and my own insecurities has become something that I
avoid at all cost when I really have something to say. Mostly because I’m not
always sure how it might be interrupted by those who read it. You’ll notice in
sometime I haven’t mentioned Smitten and where we are with our relationship,
nor have I spoke about my own personal changes of scenery to promote a
healthier me. In really taking a look at that it has been clear that my apprehension
of such things have stifled exactly what this blog was supposed to mean to me.
An exercise in deep breathing if nothing else, so I’ve made a pact with myself
to just write when the urge hits no matter who might read it one way or the
other. I suspect that the surprise in my feelings won’t be that they are what
they are but instead of the fact that I put them in print.
This week’s exercise in life is
turning 30; an age that I have no problems with as a number but which has
fueled a lot of tears over the past few days. I know that every year I reflect
back to where I was a year ago, and although progress has been made I don’t
feel like I have the life of someone who is 30. Of course that is easily
questioned by EVERYONE.
“What does a 30 yr old life look like?”
My honest answer is, not like mine.
I don’t know if it is that I don’t give myself enough credit, or that I may
never be satisfied with life in my very over achiever way. So, the only
solution I have is to stress as little as possible. Something not accomplished
easily mind you, I can only try and not engage in the negative thoughts quite
so often. Although, in my "the sky
is always falling" mind the negative thoughts are not always the enemy. Sometimes
they are the motivation for the happy thoughts that follow the accomplishment.
So, I try to not worry too much that
people see me as someone with no people in her life, or someone with no options
in entertainment. Much of what I’m doing right now takes as much effort as it
does to get all dolled up and smile in an effort to pretend that you like
everyone in the room. I just don’t have the energy for that much deep breathing
at any one time.
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