Only-Child Syndrome

Another old year turns into another new one ....

I wish that last year I’d written a real New Year’s post on my last blog. Something that I could look back on and see if I really cut the mustard in 2008, but the only thing I really said was “DAMN I’M HOT”. Yes I was feeling VERY shallow come the end of last year.

 So, instead I will highlight 2008 old school bullet style:

• Had my friendship with Lust flourish and fizzle while learning so much about myself. I am lucky to know him, and will be happy when someday we can meet in the middle. Just because I don’t think we can be close friends now doesn’t mean that I don’t look forward the future where we can.

• Changed jobs successfully and upgraded my pay scale. I don’t feel any richer, but the change was much needed. I feel it was a step up even though at times I miss my old job like crazy.
• Continued to further my education and keep my 4.0 in place.
• Got a trainer and at least for a good while kept up a good pace of course the past month I’ve crashed burned, but that’s what is great about New Years and getting to start all over. (I still think I’m hot though, don’t be fooled)
• Turned 30. Nothing else needs to be said.
• Found a real relationship with an amazing man who still believes that mix cd’s make girls swoon,  never calls me cute and thinks football is a religion. (all qualities that I totally lo It’s not always the easiest relationship, but it's not that hard either, although sometimes my posts might not always just say that.

 What will I do in 2009?

• Work on my finances and become more stable even with the economy taking a nose dive.

• Continue to spend time with my trainer and remain healthy. (and HAWT)
• Work hard in school but try to remember to breathe, and not always take myself so seriously.
• Rekindle friendships. There are many people who may not know that I think of them almost everyday and miss them dearly.
• Work on both my emotional and spiritual well being.
  
• Spend more time with my family immediate, and further out. I always want to make sure to spend plenty of time with BMOC before he's grown, and leaving for school.
  
• Continue to build my relationship because any man who throws this on a CD full of other “love songs” makes me smile in ways that I can’t even begin to put in words.
  

 

Small Town Living - Larger Than Life Tragedy

I’ve avoided my blog for the past few days because there hasn’t been anything happy to report. The funny thing is the reason I started the blog was to write when there wasn’t any especially happy to write about. An outlet if you will.

I’d like to tell you that Christmas was merry, I got everything I wanted and the day was filled with food and fun. That’s what I wish I could report but outside of Christmas Eve where I once again out cooked myself my Christmas was anything but. I have went back and forth on what details I’d share about Christmas day. Due to the nature of the events I’m not sure what is appropriate as far as my family, and the other family involved; not that either party knows about my blog. I also am pretty sure no one wants each gory detail so I’ll do my best to keep it to a bare minimum. I’m writing about this event in particular not as a way to get pity, or someone to feel sorry for me, but I am hoping that in putting in print somewhere the nightmares can end and I can get back to a normal life.

For those who don’t know me I grew up in a small town. There are back roads, dirt roads, and plenty of pastures that as a kid we made our personal playground. I learned to drive by the time I was 11 and it was nothing for me to cruise the back roads for the helluva it. In the country there is almost a code that says that all of those things are just rites of passage. There is no telling how many times I’ve put my life in danger over being a stupid kid. I have broken bones, driven through fences on motorcycles. In high school there were car wrecks for taking corners to fast, you name it and me and my friends probably did it and survived to tell about it. Hell, I still have a scar or two that I’m awful proud of.

Getting that all out, it is what makes what transpired 30 feet in front of me as I was about to be to my Aunt’s house all the more heartbreaking. A 23 yr old young man lost his life after exceeding speeds of at least 70-80 on a motorcycle when he lost control either because he was on one wheel, or because he hit the gravel and the bike slid. Either way the boy hit my Aunt’s mail box, half of his body went through the steel wagon wheel (decoration) and his body flung itself 10 feet if not more in the air while his bike went another 20 feet. In looking back I am sure that although he was breathing for almost an hour while we waited on emergency services he was gone the minute his body hit the ground.

I know that an hour seems like a long time to wait on EMT’s to arrive but that is exactly how far my hometown is from everywhere else. As we waited we did everything we could and because of a helmet wasn’t even sure who the kid was. He lost a leg, and his bones were crushed, and his breathing labored. I have never been prouder of my cousin and uncle as they patted the kids back and spoke to him to let him know he wasn’t alone. As this was all happened in my Aunt’s front yard word got around to everyone else, and we found out that the kid was a boy who has lived on the circle his whole life. I don’t remember him, but his has a brother my age that I do know. It was heartbreaking watching his family cry and watch helplessly. It took them almost 2 hours to finally call him. We watched this all happen, but again we all pray he did not suffer.

After the wreckage was finally cleaned up we sat around and talked about all the stupid shit we had gotten away with. There is no telling how many times this could have happened to one of us should one detail had been out of place. I know people will say he shouldn’t have been going so fast, and they are right. He shouldn’t have been doing wheelies, and yes again they are right. The fact however remains that growing up where we grew up, and in any small town it isn’t until this kind of tragedy happens does anyone slow down to think what if.

My family is now full of young kids ranging from 8 to 1 and to listen to my own hard headed cousin say that NONE of his kids will be doing that stuff, even though I know he may be a bigger offender than any of us was something. It’s sad that it took this young man’s death to show us that even in small town America we are not invincible, but this time that is the case.

Tragic Holiday

I am not in a place yet to write about Christmas although I do need to get it out eventually. I am fortunate that myself and my family are safe, but I grieve for the loss of another.

All your music in one place ....

happy sox

Happiness & Bliss? The stuff that fairy tales are made of ....

The thing about happiness & bliss is that if every relationship was always rainbows and sunshine we’d all fall in love with the first person we ever dated. It would all be easy and we’d marry at 12 and live happily ever after.

The truth is in the same day you can totally blog about what a g33k your boyfriend is, and how much you love him; later in the day you can totally be on the verge of wanting to kill one another and questioning it all.

Today is one of those days when things are tougher than they normally are, and I have to continue to remind myself again that if it was all easy then there would be no Only-Child and Smitten in the first place. Today is one of those days when you just keep breathing even through the tears.

I know that as hard as is today for both of us, that tomorrow will be another day and we will pick up at happiness and bliss and will be better for the rain of today.

Relationships take a lot of work. A lot more than at times I’ve been prepared to expect or even give but the rewards are worth it. Happiness and bliss might only live forever in fairy tales and candy land, but I've decided that I’ll take my chances with some hard work and the love that grows because of it. At the end of the day that’s the love that makes it thru thick or thin. 

Proof u *i* might be in love with a g33k

I'd love to stay and chat ...

I am happy to report that I am a VERY lucky girl, and I’d love to stick around and tell you all about it but I have an evening of unknowns to get to and absolutely nothing to wear.

I hope you all have a great weekend and I’ll try to post something of substance next week!   

Emotional Vomit (sorry I couldn't think of any other way to describe it)

Today I wrote this long post about pocket dialing, Gemini and Libras and how they compute in my world. I wrote about Lust, and anxiety and I got a lot of my chest. I talked about the fact I just wanted the LAST FUCKING WORD, and good god does he have to be as stubborn as me?

The timing of today’s events were even more so dramatic because my trainer had just asked about Lust yesterday; wanting to know how he was doing, and if I had any good stories. A lot of this has to do with the fact that my trainer will be Lust in years to come and I’ve always told him that.

It’s December and this month of all months I’ve fought the urge to “bump” in to him in some way or form and just make sure he’s alright. I mean I am sure he is, but that doesn’t make me want to know any less, but I haven’t because I also know that there is no point in it.

So this post focused on how the hell did my phone call a number that was deleted over a month ago, and then when I did figure out whom the txt’s were from why it had to end with me questioning why it was HE always needed the last word.

I’ll be honest the post that I wrote, the one that is sitting on my hard drive at work was much more poetic, written with more passion and action words. I also think I said fuck more than once, and used bold font and lots of caps. Yes, you are all missing out on that post but not having that post at my finger tips has caused me to write this post. I’ll admit it’s not that much to read and kind of cryptic if you will. The problem is I still needed to put all of that into words and not for you, but for me, because all day long it has eaten at me to the point I’ve felt sick. So, what do I do when I can’t get that I just ate a corny dog and rode the Love Bug twice feeling? I put it into print for all or none to read, it doesn’t matter. It’s the exercise that makes it better, not really the content.

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day.  Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel.  None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch.  And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones.  And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

        -- Elizabeth Bishop