*sigh*

If I close my eyes it’s not hard to remember exactly what it felt like to have an open intimacy without fear of what the next morning was going to look like. I remember the touch, the feel, the moving forward and I remember having a love/hate relationship with it. There is nothing worse than knowing what is good for you, and also knowing that at the same time it can be so very bad for you. However, there is something to be said about ignorance and bliss and how lovely they go hand in hand. There are days that sometimes I wish I could go back to being that blind and encountering that much bliss even if it's fleeting.

The past few weeks have been rough and I have been fighting hard not to shut completely off from everyone and just checking out. I hate the way the way the X can throw me off my game, but reading the posts from the last time he surfaced has helped serve as a reminder of how badly I handled it, and how much damage it caused. How broken I felt. How out of control my actions and emotions were.  

The bright side is that I learned something from the last time. I’ve been taking care of myself so much better mentally this time around. I have avoided the acting out and then worrying about the fallout. I have just been taking care of me. Some days are a little rougher than the others, but at the end of the day I do actually remember the day. There is something to be said for that all on it's own.

The dark side of being mentally well is being told by someone with much more wisdom, and a PHD that the something you thought was good for you, might indeed be bad. This time there is no ignorance and bliss, there is no open intimacy. No, this time it feels closed off, strained and honestly I long more and more for ignorance; because the last time something was bad for me the ignorance provided plenty of bliss.