It’s
been almost two years since I’ve felt this helpless, hopeless, and absolutely
unhappy. There is NOTHING wrong. Let me repeat that for anyone not listening;
NOTHING WRONG!!! Well almost nothing, telling someone over and over and over
that nothing is wrong you are just “sad” and they continue to try and find the
fix, well that can just piss you off.
I am
so annoyed with those I love the most, and that is the most frustrating part.
Certain voices feel like nails on a chalkboard, and nothing ANYONE can do can
solve it. That’s the maddening part for all the “fixers” in my life.
What
is really hard is that it has been two years since I felt like I was being
sucked in a black hole. My mother’s upside was that it’s been two years!! I
mean that’s so much better than I when I was younger, but I feel like FUCK it’s
been two years, and again here we are.
The
person I feel the most for is Smitten. I am pretty sure more than once I have
told him to R U N while he can. I feel bad that he wants to fix it, make it
better and it kills me that all I do is snap at him. I’ve sorrta explained where
I am, but I know it does nothing for him. He understands, but doesn’t.
I
talked to my mother today who probably felt the same frustration that Smitten
feels right now years ago when this whole adventure. She said she remembers how
irritable I was, and how all she wanted to do was ANYTHING to make me happy;
even for a minute.
It
will take a little while to get this under control but until then I am working
really hard on not imploding me, or my relationship.
One
day at a time, or some random cliché like that …
