am not one for change. Well let me take that back, I don't do well with change that doesn't benefit me in some way shape or form. This has nothing to do with wanting my own way as it does with being obsessed with routine and habit. I am a creature that thrives in it, lives for and now that the past months have been nothing but change and with more on the way I have to admit I am more than a little freaked out.
When I lost my job I didn't lose all my hope only my trainer and it took me at least two months before I had gained weight, started smoking AGAIN, and decided that booze could solve all. That is how easily I can fall back to an old comfortable and even 23 yr old pattern because really when unemployed what is there to do? I started this slip and just hung out in the gutter if you will for a while. Of course I wanted a job, needed a job, but there was something comforting about the fact that I had no responsibility; or none that I could afford anyway. Which is why I should have been EXCITED when my new job came along and it was so easy to pick back my routine.
At least that is what I thought.
Instead I am miserable; trainer back and all. I have quit smoking which I miss dearly if for no other reason than it gave me something to do. I guess when I quit a couple of years ago I was so busy with school, men/man and other rand tidbits that I didn't have time to be a smoke but now that I have been reduced to a job that any 18 yr old could do that I crave vices like red wine, Parliament lights and Three Musketeer bars.
However, don't let me fool you to be working is an ends to a mean and if you listen to Smitten whose half glass full nonsense drives me nuts, all I have to do is SUCK IT UP for six months and the company is mine. BIG plans for me and all, and he might be right. I have heard as much from upper management but it doesn't make me want to slit my wrists any less these days.
Speaking of change and a big one at that Smitten and I or maybe I have decided we should live together. When I say "I" It's not that have forced the issue. No we've had very grown up and mature conversations on the subject it's just that when they were only conversations we had over and over again that I had to draw a line in the sand somewhere. So in exactly 3 weeks we are supposed to start cohabiting. Honestly it's time to put the relationship to the test but at the same time I am expecting him to call me in 2 weeks and say he just can't do it. WHY? Probably because as I have said all along he wasn't ready to date when we started this, and that is ok or at least it was until we began inching between the two year mark and
I see him even less than I did when we started dating. If it wasn't for all the traveling he did for work and me knowing it was legit, or knowing that he really does love me I would have already bailed.
So yes there is more change to come in my life, more routines that need to be created. NO NO NO, not the Parliament lights but instead school and a new desire to SUCK IT UP and make it through this entry level position that I arrive at before the crack of dawn so that I can leave as the sun is setting. (yes another habit and work ethic problem I have)
Yes this only child is drowning in change, when all I really want is a Sunday on a couch with some bad tv and maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep.
Wish me luck, and keep ya posted ....
I am an only child and I was wondering. If i have kids will they have aunts or uncles? Are their cousins considered aunts and uncles? help please. my mom and aunt and I are dying to find out. Mostly me. [: thnkss
Posted by: c | March 07, 2010 at 04:52 PM
Just wanted to say as a fellow female only child...reading ur blog is almost like reading pages of my own journal. Too funny!
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