Only-Child Syndrome

I don't do well with change ....

  am not one for change. Well let me take that back, I don't do well with change that doesn't benefit me in some way shape or form. This has nothing to do with wanting my own way as it does with being obsessed with routine and habit. I am a creature that thrives in it, lives for and now that the past months have been nothing but change and with more on the way I have to admit I am more than a little freaked out.

When I lost my job I didn't lose all my hope only my trainer and it took me at least two months before I had gained weight, started smoking AGAIN, and decided that booze could solve all. That is how easily I can fall back to an old comfortable and even 23 yr old pattern because really when unemployed what is there to do? I started this slip and just hung out in the gutter if you will for a while. Of course I wanted a job, needed a job, but there was something comforting about the fact that I had no responsibility; or none that I could afford anyway. Which is why I should have been EXCITED when my new job came along and it was so easy to pick back my routine.

At least that is what I thought.

Instead I am miserable; trainer back and all. I have quit smoking which I miss dearly if for no other reason than it gave me something to do. I guess when I quit a couple of years ago I was so busy with school, men/man and other rand tidbits that I didn't have time to be a smoke but now that I have been reduced to a job that any 18 yr old could do that I crave vices like red wine, Parliament lights and Three Musketeer bars. 

However, don't let me fool you to be working is an ends to a mean and if you listen to Smitten whose half glass full nonsense drives me nuts, all I have to do is SUCK IT UP for six months and the company is mine. BIG plans for me and all, and he might be right. I have heard as much from upper management but it doesn't make me want to slit my wrists any less these days. 

Speaking of change and a big one at that Smitten and I or maybe I have decided we should live together. When I say "I" It's not that have forced the issue. No we've had very grown up and mature conversations on the subject it's just that when they were only conversations we had over and over again that I had to draw a line in the sand somewhere. So in exactly 3 weeks we are supposed to start cohabiting. Honestly it's time to put the relationship to the test but at the same time I am expecting him to call me in 2 weeks and say he just can't do it. WHY? Probably because as I have said all along he wasn't ready to date when we started this, and that is ok or at least it was until we began inching between the two year mark and 
I see him even less than I did when we started dating. If it wasn't for all the traveling he did for work and me knowing it was legit, or knowing that he really does love me I would have already bailed. 

So yes there is more change to come in my life, more routines that need to be created. NO NO NO, not the Parliament lights but instead school and a new desire to SUCK IT UP and make it through this entry level position that I arrive at before the crack of dawn so that I can leave as the sun is setting. (yes another habit and work ethic problem I have) 

Yes this only child is drowning in change, when all I really want is a Sunday on a couch with some bad tv and maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. 

Wish me luck, and keep ya posted ....

The only child comes home …

In 2009 I lost a job that in the end I hated so it wasn’t really a loss. No instead it was the loss of a paycheck, but in the end I know I’d still be there miserable had it not happened. I didn’t exactly go out on good terms as a certain finger got me into some hot water but truth be told they were looking for any reason considering me and MEGABITCH were never going to get a long and the company was never going to become company focused. 

 So what did that mean for the only child?? I went home. *sigh* This was my worse nightmare especially at my age but sometimes in this company you have to suck up your pride and do what you have to do, and coming home was just that. 

 The thing that surprises me most is that it hasn’t been horrible and this morning reminds me of why sometimes being here allows me and my mother to heal and reconnect. Some of my most favorite moments are when we lay in her bed, coffee in hand and just talk about all those things that I’ve been sheltered from for so long. She ALMOST treats me like an adult. 

 I don’t plan on being here much longer as I’ve been fortunate enough to find a job in what is considered a short period of time. (2 months) I have to say I will miss being here, but not enough that I’ll be here for the long term. Thank you Uncle Sam and the wonderful tax return that will allow me to catch myself up and get out back in the real world, but also thank you unemployment that I never got for making sure that I stayed so damn broke that life felt impossible but thank you to the wonderful friends, boyfriend (smitten) and again to my parents …

2010 is my year;  I can just feel it. 

/end mushy posts sometime this week I’ll get into the nitty gritty of making fun of myself because as nice as being here is for now. I still fight tooth and nail to GET MY WAY …. 

Goodbye 2009; you will not be missed ...

I wrote this last night on my facebook and remembered OMG I have a blog; I bet you all thought I had forgotten about it. 

 So today you get yesterdays post, but starting tomorrow you'll get something witty, funny, embersassing, and plain and simple unedited. Why you ask? Well if I started to learn to use comas, colons, and semi-colons correctly would you love me more? If so .... you are just TOO shallow :)

_______________________________

It only seems fitting that I start writing again one day before the New Year. 2009 was a year that sucked so much energy out of me that even something as soul cleansing as writing lost it’s touch and instead I think the year swallowed me whole and left me empty. In no particular order I’d like to say goodbye to some things that were hard to let go, move on, and get past but have fueled my drive for the 2010 year and all it should bring …

To Wanderlust:  who I will forever love. He was my best friend, my rock and it sucks that no matter how good we ever were that when the day came that I needed him he’d fail me. It’s hard to look at yourself and say “I’m his crutch” but in the end that is what proved to be true. He’s an amazing man and taught me so much about myself and got me writing again in the first place however when all I wanted to do was drunk dial him and yell about how much energy seemed wasted; well the writing was on the wall. Our memories will always be with me, and for that I am thankful and wouldn’t change anything. Our paths may even cross again, but we will never be the same and to those days I say goodbye.

To the job: that I killed myself on a daily basis only to learn within the first few months the cards were stacked against me. To the IT department that I fought with tooth and nail for each client I had I bid you farewell. Not every memory will be bad as I met some wonderful people, but if I learned anything it is no matter how good you may be at your job if someone wants you gone and they have enough power; it will happen.

To my Aunt who passed: The love that she had for our family and myself her horse; she will be thought of lots but I say goodbye to the grief and move on to happier memories of her life. To the thoughts of cold nights, and bunk beds with my cousin chadder mc chadderson, and of her ready to beat up my boyfriend of 17 because she thought he was cheating on me. Yes, goodbye to the body with cancer that took her away from us. For now she lives stronger and better somewhere else, somewhere better.

Goodbye to the me: Who never feels accepted yet craves acceptance  by everyone and accepting it is nothing but a pipe dream. Instead it will be a year of being ok with myself and loving every minute of being me. Goodbye to the haters who don’t get that I am selfish at times, spoiled at others, but if you take even a moment to get to know me that I am full of love for everyone. This only childsyndrome is easy to break ... 

To 2010 a year full of change physically, mentally and spiritually. Please let it be good to all of us and please inspire me to fill these pages again .. so much to say as always ;) 

Back in the saddle ....

I’m FAT! There is one thing that this relationship has done is s p r e a d my waistline. Now, I won’t go tell you that I’m HUGE as there is no comparison yet to me and a house but I have been much less disciplined with food, exercise etc. SOOOOOOOO what to do, what to do...

I’m not going on some crazy fad diet, I at best have a whole 10lbs I want to lose but I am going to try something that I read about and see if it encourages me to eat less … A FOOD Diary! Now I know you are cheering out there, because you want to know what I’ve consumed for a whole week, but I’m just going to snap pictures and go from there.

This of course is starting … TOMORROW because today is a school night and therefore tomorrow is shopping cart night in which I re-up on all the freshness in my house.

Apparently this whole picture nonsense will make you think about going back for seconds and or that cupcake that is calling your name.

We shall see!

It's only talking outloud ....

I’ve never hid the fact that I’m a fan of therapy. There is just something about letting out all the crap
you’ve been carrying around for years to make you feel just a little bit lighter.

I’ve been doing it for about a month now, and this time it’s much harder than it’s been before. Maybe because I’m not showing up to blab for an hour, but I’m working towards something; what that something is might be the tougher question. I really hate the childhood questions because I wonder which childhood she wants to know about. The happy one or the one that landed me on her couch, both very valid yet each so very separate to who I am today. In a box if you will and apparently that is my problem. The box that I keep myself in, away from anyone who might actually care about me and for what reason is as good as anyone’s guess.

This week’s homework is to tell someone I care about something about my life that makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t think she meant confessing something to my blog. I’m not sure it counts considering there is no way I can see the blogoshpere’s face or hear it’s voice to know if whatever makes me uncomfortable is really ok. That I am just as normal as anyone else, or at least I’m not crazier than anyone else.

I haven’t decided yet what I want to say, or to who but I’ll do it because before I left her office she dared me too. The fact she was smart enough to do that makes me think she’s probably the perfect therapist for me.

I also probably needed to talk today more than I really knew I needed to as well.

Work is stressful, relationships are tricky, and memories are just that, memories.

I needed someone to hear me out loud say that I understand the logic behind what in me needs to grow, to change. The facts are however that I don’t give a damn much when it comes to logic and emotion. I need to do what my instincts have always told me. When things get comfortable change, run. When things seem to good, they are and get out ahead of the disaster coming.

I wonder sometimes where I’d be in life if I didn’t run or push as soon as things seem to settle into
something worth being a part of. I wonder why it is I can’t relax, breathe and just enjoy. Why do I need complicated, tricky? I have no fucking idea but lets home I figure it out before I go broke one session at a time.

No Reason to Whine ...

There is something to be said about change, and this year the change was saving myself the cost of a bottle of Advil and Gatorade.

The two weeks leading up to New Years was especially rough on Smitten and I. We both have very different feelings on New Years Eve and the tension about if we would or wouldn’t be together ate at both of us. We would have these half conversations yet never really decide if we would spend the evening together or not.

Looking back we just weren’t communicating on the whole event in itself and probably caused each other more grief than it should have. The thing that we are both learning is that with a 10 yr age gap, there are some things that we hold very differently, no matter what we see eye to eye on. I was already aware of Smitten’s rough holiday spirit in the first place due to things that have nothing to do with me, but I didn’t get that it could bleed into New Years. I also didn’t take in account that he’s had his fair share of New Years, and big shin digs or even little ones that included the elements of big ones like fancy shoes or something.

What he didn’t understand or take in to consideration is that I’m 10 years younger, a silly girl and didn’t give a damn about getting dressed up. That overall if it was grilled cheese, video games, and cheap champagne it wouldn’t matter. My point for New Years was a way to celebrate the changes in our lives in the past year; the new jobs, the growing relationship. None of it had to do with shiny shoes at all.

All those points once talked out, and an actual plan in place fore the evening became moot when a conference call on Tuesday late in the game came in to play; he was booked on a plane to Denver for NYE. I’ll admit I was mad, but I understand work. I understand the last quarter push, hitting numbers, maxing compensation or barely making the cut. I could be pissed about silly hats and streamers but there was no way I could be upset about work. So my silly girl New Years with the person I love was off the table.

So, what does a girl do when all her “plans” fail and she doesn’t get her way, an only child at that? If she is me then she ends up with her extended family playing with kids, and laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. It was junk food for 10 and Taboo because really what could be better? My family was amazing at being miserable with me, which was their plan on all along.

No, New Years wasn’t anywhere close to a repeat of last year. I was awake at 7 am this morning, no hangover, and no second hand kisses. All in all it wasn’t bad either. It was just another reminder that I am growing up, and what is important one year won’t always be what is important the next.

I’ve got a sick Smitten on a plane headed home now where the hard part will be convincing him to let me feed him Nyquil and force some rest, regardless of which bowl game might be on today.

Another old year turns into another new one ....

I wish that last year I’d written a real New Year’s post on my last blog. Something that I could look back on and see if I really cut the mustard in 2008, but the only thing I really said was “DAMN I’M HOT”. Yes I was feeling VERY shallow come the end of last year.

 So, instead I will highlight 2008 old school bullet style:

• Had my friendship with Lust flourish and fizzle while learning so much about myself. I am lucky to know him, and will be happy when someday we can meet in the middle. Just because I don’t think we can be close friends now doesn’t mean that I don’t look forward the future where we can.

• Changed jobs successfully and upgraded my pay scale. I don’t feel any richer, but the change was much needed. I feel it was a step up even though at times I miss my old job like crazy.
• Continued to further my education and keep my 4.0 in place.
• Got a trainer and at least for a good while kept up a good pace of course the past month I’ve crashed burned, but that’s what is great about New Years and getting to start all over. (I still think I’m hot though, don’t be fooled)
• Turned 30. Nothing else needs to be said.
• Found a real relationship with an amazing man who still believes that mix cd’s make girls swoon,  never calls me cute and thinks football is a religion. (all qualities that I totally lo It’s not always the easiest relationship, but it's not that hard either, although sometimes my posts might not always just say that.

 What will I do in 2009?

• Work on my finances and become more stable even with the economy taking a nose dive.

• Continue to spend time with my trainer and remain healthy. (and HAWT)
• Work hard in school but try to remember to breathe, and not always take myself so seriously.
• Rekindle friendships. There are many people who may not know that I think of them almost everyday and miss them dearly.
• Work on both my emotional and spiritual well being.
  
• Spend more time with my family immediate, and further out. I always want to make sure to spend plenty of time with BMOC before he's grown, and leaving for school.
  
• Continue to build my relationship because any man who throws this on a CD full of other “love songs” makes me smile in ways that I can’t even begin to put in words.
  

 

What do I care what I say when I'm drunk???

The thing about assuming is that you are bound to get it wrong eventually; even when in the end you will be right. It’s a tricky line to walk and you either can get out early and in the end take the blame, or you can hold on and then be discarded in some nice throw off way. No matter what anyone says, there are only two ways to go; get dumped or be dumped. Admit it, play stupid, the chance is that you will still  be friends or you won’t but it won’t take long to figure out which side of the line you tow.

So what does that mean?

It means that friendships become difficult, and lines ones blurred get drilled in the sand. It means that no matter how much you care or how much you love; minus the romantic you still love and feel. If we could just shut it off, why would we ever go through the motion? Why would we allow our self to feel? If we could just decide that we don’t care; then where do we turn it off; all of it.

It’s not about love; it’s about how you feel at the end of the day. It’s about how someone makes you feel about yourself at the end of the day. It’s not about forever; it’s not even about right now. At the end of the day it’s only about how high or low you can hang your esteem. (At least in my only child perception)

I personally have hit a wall; where I go from here doesn’t even compute.

Looking within ...

It’s funny how easy it is to feel resentment when we feel we have lost something that meant so much to us, even if it never actually belonged to us at all.

How in your mind you can paint the pictures in perfect color and remember each emotion you felt, but if you look closely and are really honest with yourself then it becomes clear there was nothing there to lose. Not because those days didn’t happen, but because no one can take those memories and emotions from us.

People don’t fade in our minds, if anything it’s the only place they can live perfect forever. Yes, times may change, lives may grow but the foundation of what made it all so beautiful and special is still there; even when a true loss is encountered.

It’s much of how I remember life before my grandmother passed, or how I remember high school before I was a delinquent. It’s been proved in my life by being blessed by family with no blood relations, and it’s celebrated in friendships that span the years. It has also told the stories of unintentional bonds.

I have to remind myself of this when I get angry for all the people, and things I don’t have in my life any longer. When the anger gets to be too much and it’s easier to blame someone else instead of looking within. I have also worked on reminding myself that I am more whole because of the relationships I have had; not less complete because they aren’t what they once were.

Deep Breathing (not just for asphyxiation)

The past week has allowed little time for anything more than purging my life into as little as possible to then moving it to a much bigger space and realizing that this is what it really feels like to start from scratch. I am trying in all ways to stay on the positive thought path, but there is something about staring at completely empty rooms that makes you wonder if this was really the best decision.

Speaking of best decisions; I have questioned lately who all I let know about this blog. What started as a way to speak my mind about myself and my own insecurities has become something that I avoid at all cost when I really have something to say. Mostly because I’m not always sure how it might be interrupted by those who read it. You’ll notice in sometime I haven’t mentioned Smitten and where we are with our relationship, nor have I spoke about my own personal changes of scenery to promote a healthier me. In really taking a look at that it has been clear that my apprehension of such things have stifled exactly what this blog was supposed to mean to me. An exercise in deep breathing if nothing else, so I’ve made a pact with myself to just write when the urge hits no matter who might read it one way or the other. I suspect that the surprise in my feelings won’t be that they are what they are but instead of the fact that I put them in print.

This week’s exercise in life is turning 30; an age that I have no problems with as a number but which has fueled a lot of tears over the past few days. I know that every year I reflect back to where I was a year ago, and although progress has been made I don’t feel like I have the life of someone who is 30. Of course that is easily questioned by EVERYONE.

“What does a 30 yr old life look like?”

My honest answer is, not like mine. I don’t know if it is that I don’t give myself enough credit, or that I may never be satisfied with life in my very over achiever way. So, the only solution I have is to stress as little as possible. Something not accomplished easily mind you, I can only try and not engage in the negative thoughts quite so often.  Although, in my "the sky is always falling" mind the negative thoughts are not always the enemy. Sometimes they are the motivation for the happy thoughts that follow the accomplishment.

So, I try to not worry too much that people see me as someone with no people in her life, or someone with no options in entertainment. Much of what I’m doing right now takes as much effort as it does to get all dolled up and smile in an effort to pretend that you like everyone in the room. I just don’t have the energy for that much deep breathing at any one time.