Only-Child Syndrome

*sigh*

If I close my eyes it’s not hard to remember exactly what it felt like to have an open intimacy without fear of what the next morning was going to look like. I remember the touch, the feel, the moving forward and I remember having a love/hate relationship with it. There is nothing worse than knowing what is good for you, and also knowing that at the same time it can be so very bad for you. However, there is something to be said about ignorance and bliss and how lovely they go hand in hand. There are days that sometimes I wish I could go back to being that blind and encountering that much bliss even if it's fleeting.

The past few weeks have been rough and I have been fighting hard not to shut completely off from everyone and just checking out. I hate the way the way the X can throw me off my game, but reading the posts from the last time he surfaced has helped serve as a reminder of how badly I handled it, and how much damage it caused. How broken I felt. How out of control my actions and emotions were.  

The bright side is that I learned something from the last time. I’ve been taking care of myself so much better mentally this time around. I have avoided the acting out and then worrying about the fallout. I have just been taking care of me. Some days are a little rougher than the others, but at the end of the day I do actually remember the day. There is something to be said for that all on it's own.

The dark side of being mentally well is being told by someone with much more wisdom, and a PHD that the something you thought was good for you, might indeed be bad. This time there is no ignorance and bliss, there is no open intimacy. No, this time it feels closed off, strained and honestly I long more and more for ignorance; because the last time something was bad for me the ignorance provided plenty of bliss. 

Putting it all out there .....

We all write for different reasons. Each of us that put out a blog with no boundaries or limitations on who can read it, and in a lot of cases who can comment do so because we feel we have something to say. Some of us feel we have something to share, others because they want someone to make them feel good about their lives. I will be honest in the fact that some of my favorite blogs are those that at times make me feel better about my own life. What is it they say about watching a train wreck?

Some bloggers are able to be brutally honest about their lives no matter what might be going on. Dooce happens to be a perfect example of a no bars hold kind of blog and some of us chose to only talk about topics where we feel we might be an expert. Then others like me stick to general life as we see it.

That’s the thing about my blog; when I tell a Smitten, Lust, or MoodyBitch story you only get my side. You get what I thought, what I felt and you either have to believe that is exactly how it happened, or you have to believe that I’m a fucking nut. I can accept both. The truth is that there are times I go back and read posts that I wrote raw in emotion and can see how I swayed it in my favor although not intentional. I think I do a good job of calling myself out, but I can see how one of the people I might write about could totally disagree. The fact is however it’s my blog and my truth is the only truth as far as these pages are concerned.

I think bloggers forget that. I think they get so wrapped up in their blog, the story they are trying to tell, they forget that they paint the picture of what every reader sees. If someone thinks I’m crazy, I’ve probably given them something in which to draw that conclusion. Does it mean I am? No. Does it mean that their opinion isn’t valid? No. The truth is, if they think it then I didn’t do a good job of painting the picture I intended, unless crazy is exactly what I was going for.

As far as being defensive and pulling the you don’t know me comment in a response to something less than positive; well you are 100% correct. A lot of times you don’t know the person whose blog you choose to read so pointing that out doesn’t really make a huge impact on any point trying to be proven. Actually it’s pretty obvious that we don’t know each other, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what you write and how you see yourself. The same can be said in your personal knowledge of me as well.

The fact is we all blog for a reason, but the end result it is because we want someone else to read it; even when we claim over and over again it’s really only for ourselves.

YES .. I’m an only child … so sue my PARENTS

Excuse me while I rant.

It should always be remembered that only children are only children because their parents made that choice for one reason or the other. I don’t ever remember at any point in my life my mom or dad coming to me and asking if I had an opinion on whether or not they should bring another child in to the world. It just kind of worked out the way it did and so here I am 30 yrs old, and yes I have traits that SCREAM only child. I am however over the stereo typing. I have goggled only child more than once and some of the things said all over the net are sad. Not all only children fit in a box. Lord knows I’ve been screaming that a lot lately at the new job.

I actually heard this week that I might not make a good mother because of the fact the world must revolve around me. WTF? There are a few facts about only children when it comes to love, and relationships.

In my opinion I need to be with a giver, and in most cases the compatibility usually is with someone who isn’t an only child. I also find myself far more compatible with someone who is older than me as well. I have no idea if that is because I’m an only child, but I’m sure there is someone out there that would be willing to psycho analyzes it. For me personally dating an only child didn’t work but I’m sure that is not a hard fast rule just the way it happened for me. 

Am I am ok with needing to be with someone willing to give and bend? Yes I am but it is a tight rope walk in the fact that I also need someone willing to call me out on my actions. This isn’t a secret and any man I’ve ever dated has been told this exact thing. I don’t hide behind being an only child as an excuse for my actions. I can be selfish, I am needy, and I will throw out my bottom lip if I think it will get me something I really want. I don’t really care if I ever out grow all of those things, because a lot of times they are more out of fun than anything else. Although, there is no denying that some of it is pure emotion and in those cases I work very quickly to put myself back in check. 

 There is however no blue print of what I will be like as a wife, let a lone a mother but there is no denying that how I was brought up will come into play. That is also to say there is not a blue print for how someone else who had siblings will turn out either. What I’d really like people see however is that I am kind, generous, and overall a good person and that will also lend itself to my role as a wife or mother? In the end when it comes to me and being an only child it doesn’t really have to be all about me and my world, sometimes I just need to feel like it is.

As it all comes to an end ...

As NaBloMo comes to an end I was wondering how I would finish up my thirty days of rambling, then thanks to Down To Earth Momma I had my answer. I would pander to unknown bloggers in a give away. As a side note however, if you haven’t read DTE’s blog, you should run over and do so no! Over the past month there has been plenty to make me appreciate her blog. Plus her comments on the Eagles really put some things in perspective for me.

Unbeknownst to me HP has enlisted a group of bloggers in a contest to give away a ton of computers in an effort to have people share the magic. I think this is an amazing idea and I knew exactly who I would share the gift with should I win. That being said I entered over at Thoughts on Poetics and Tech. What I wasn’t aware of when I headed over was that I would find such an eclectic blog filled with posts about technology, feminism, and poetry. A rare breed if I do say, or maybe I’m just lazy and haven’t looked that hard.

Parts of the rules say I must link back to the post that I decided to comment on, which I will do in just a second. The thing that stood out to me about this post is that I know that if I had read the Bitch Manifesto sooner, or even had known it existed it might have changed my self esteem of sorts, and made me feel like less of oddity by my family and those people I worked with. So for any woman who doesn’t know it I suggest you follow my link and put yourself in the know, then run out and find the entire thing as I pretty sure that there is much to be gained by it.

To those who read my blog in honor of NaBloPoMo thank you. I hope you stick around, but if not I’m sure we will bump into each other again, maybe as soon as next November. To those who posted blog rolls for NaBloPoMo it is because of you I need to update my blogs I’m currently reading list.

 

Accidents Happen ...

I was in an accident tonight. I am sore, but I think overall I will be fine. It seems like a wake up call of some sort. I am a glass half empty kind of girl, and tonight proves exactly why. When it was all over and I was safely inside my own walls I started thinking about my entire life, and how it doesn’t measure to where I want it to, and how this accident was just another example of steps backwards.

I know that I am probably being over dramatic as there are many people with many more issues than me, but that doesn’t mean that right now I don’t feel totally alone in my struggles. This is exactly when being an only child kicks in. This is where I feel the world should be all about me, and that someone should be more than willing to draw me a bath, and tell me it will be ok when I cry.

That is the thing about being an only child that sucks the most. The attention at times you feel you need. It isn’t an all the time thing, but every now and then it’s probably more needed than the average person. I do nothing small.

If I haven’t said it in a long time, it’s nights like these I miss Lust the most. Not because he could fix it, or even make it better, but just because he knows. It’s the knowing part that makes the rest so much easier. It sucks to have to let go of something or someone so important to have something like this happen and them be the person you feel would understand the most. Not the action itself, but the way you feel deep down and never judge you for it. Not even a little bit.

Is my word over? It feels like it right now. Is that me being dramatic, and making an mountain out of a mole hill? Probably so, but in my head and my world my glass just got kicked over.

What do I care what I say when I'm drunk???

The thing about assuming is that you are bound to get it wrong eventually; even when in the end you will be right. It’s a tricky line to walk and you either can get out early and in the end take the blame, or you can hold on and then be discarded in some nice throw off way. No matter what anyone says, there are only two ways to go; get dumped or be dumped. Admit it, play stupid, the chance is that you will still  be friends or you won’t but it won’t take long to figure out which side of the line you tow.

So what does that mean?

It means that friendships become difficult, and lines ones blurred get drilled in the sand. It means that no matter how much you care or how much you love; minus the romantic you still love and feel. If we could just shut it off, why would we ever go through the motion? Why would we allow our self to feel? If we could just decide that we don’t care; then where do we turn it off; all of it.

It’s not about love; it’s about how you feel at the end of the day. It’s about how someone makes you feel about yourself at the end of the day. It’s not about forever; it’s not even about right now. At the end of the day it’s only about how high or low you can hang your esteem. (At least in my only child perception)

I personally have hit a wall; where I go from here doesn’t even compute.

Deep Breathing (not just for asphyxiation)

The past week has allowed little time for anything more than purging my life into as little as possible to then moving it to a much bigger space and realizing that this is what it really feels like to start from scratch. I am trying in all ways to stay on the positive thought path, but there is something about staring at completely empty rooms that makes you wonder if this was really the best decision.

Speaking of best decisions; I have questioned lately who all I let know about this blog. What started as a way to speak my mind about myself and my own insecurities has become something that I avoid at all cost when I really have something to say. Mostly because I’m not always sure how it might be interrupted by those who read it. You’ll notice in sometime I haven’t mentioned Smitten and where we are with our relationship, nor have I spoke about my own personal changes of scenery to promote a healthier me. In really taking a look at that it has been clear that my apprehension of such things have stifled exactly what this blog was supposed to mean to me. An exercise in deep breathing if nothing else, so I’ve made a pact with myself to just write when the urge hits no matter who might read it one way or the other. I suspect that the surprise in my feelings won’t be that they are what they are but instead of the fact that I put them in print.

This week’s exercise in life is turning 30; an age that I have no problems with as a number but which has fueled a lot of tears over the past few days. I know that every year I reflect back to where I was a year ago, and although progress has been made I don’t feel like I have the life of someone who is 30. Of course that is easily questioned by EVERYONE.

“What does a 30 yr old life look like?”

My honest answer is, not like mine. I don’t know if it is that I don’t give myself enough credit, or that I may never be satisfied with life in my very over achiever way. So, the only solution I have is to stress as little as possible. Something not accomplished easily mind you, I can only try and not engage in the negative thoughts quite so often.  Although, in my "the sky is always falling" mind the negative thoughts are not always the enemy. Sometimes they are the motivation for the happy thoughts that follow the accomplishment.

So, I try to not worry too much that people see me as someone with no people in her life, or someone with no options in entertainment. Much of what I’m doing right now takes as much effort as it does to get all dolled up and smile in an effort to pretend that you like everyone in the room. I just don’t have the energy for that much deep breathing at any one time.

Therapy

I am a firm believer that therapy is an important part of anyone’s life. At some point we all need a unbiased opinion to vent to. Personally, I’ve always been a huge fan because I am almost certain that for every crazy thing I am telling my therapist, someone has been in earlier in the day, or will be in after me with some even crazier to say. I know, might not be the right motivation for spilling your guts, but if it ain’t broke.

Even though I am so pro-therapy the last time I went was right before Christmas. I was dealing with my first family Christmas in some time single, and really wasn’t handling things so well. I was struggling with trying to figure out what I wanted next in my life, and what my next path would be. The therapy was good, and it was only by accident that I haven’t been back. Life took an upswing, and I didn’t need to pay to tell someone all my dark secrets, fears, or faults and that felt really good. But, the lack of venting has caused this huge back up, and the fact is I am very afraid of where my life is heading.

There is not one negative thing about my life right now, which might be why I seem to be cracking under the pressure. Creating my own inner drama, because that’s what I do when things are calm and settled. I hate that I can’t just be in the moment, happy, carefree, and not so afraid to let something good happen to me. I am self destructive by nature, good or bad. As I’ve gotten older I can see the pattern and can tell when it’s coming, but that doesn’t mean I’m always so quick to respond to it.

It is obvious to me via my recent antics that it’s time to vent and know that nothing I have to say is crazier than anything else anyone has said. 

Nerves ...

I had so much more that I wanted to say this weekend. Other things to write about, to ease the minds of those who are so concerned, but I’m not sure I’m ready to address the topics that would cover. So instead I’ll admit that I am up earlier than I planned and the nerves are a little over the top.

Starting over no matter how old, and how much better the start is still starting over. Today feels like the first day of school, and I’m worried about what to wear and whose table I’ll sit with at lunch. Silly, a little but nerve wracking none the less.

All I can really hope is that they don’t already have a cheerleader for the team, and the quarterback isn’t an ass much like the one in the town where I grew up. Sillier, hell yea, but maybe the high school spin will make the new work environment at least a little bit funny until I figure out how just how I fit with everyone else.

 

When words fail me ....