Only-Child Syndrome

Goodbye 2009; you will not be missed ...

I wrote this last night on my facebook and remembered OMG I have a blog; I bet you all thought I had forgotten about it. 

 So today you get yesterdays post, but starting tomorrow you'll get something witty, funny, embersassing, and plain and simple unedited. Why you ask? Well if I started to learn to use comas, colons, and semi-colons correctly would you love me more? If so .... you are just TOO shallow :)

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It only seems fitting that I start writing again one day before the New Year. 2009 was a year that sucked so much energy out of me that even something as soul cleansing as writing lost it’s touch and instead I think the year swallowed me whole and left me empty. In no particular order I’d like to say goodbye to some things that were hard to let go, move on, and get past but have fueled my drive for the 2010 year and all it should bring …

To Wanderlust:  who I will forever love. He was my best friend, my rock and it sucks that no matter how good we ever were that when the day came that I needed him he’d fail me. It’s hard to look at yourself and say “I’m his crutch” but in the end that is what proved to be true. He’s an amazing man and taught me so much about myself and got me writing again in the first place however when all I wanted to do was drunk dial him and yell about how much energy seemed wasted; well the writing was on the wall. Our memories will always be with me, and for that I am thankful and wouldn’t change anything. Our paths may even cross again, but we will never be the same and to those days I say goodbye.

To the job: that I killed myself on a daily basis only to learn within the first few months the cards were stacked against me. To the IT department that I fought with tooth and nail for each client I had I bid you farewell. Not every memory will be bad as I met some wonderful people, but if I learned anything it is no matter how good you may be at your job if someone wants you gone and they have enough power; it will happen.

To my Aunt who passed: The love that she had for our family and myself her horse; she will be thought of lots but I say goodbye to the grief and move on to happier memories of her life. To the thoughts of cold nights, and bunk beds with my cousin chadder mc chadderson, and of her ready to beat up my boyfriend of 17 because she thought he was cheating on me. Yes, goodbye to the body with cancer that took her away from us. For now she lives stronger and better somewhere else, somewhere better.

Goodbye to the me: Who never feels accepted yet craves acceptance  by everyone and accepting it is nothing but a pipe dream. Instead it will be a year of being ok with myself and loving every minute of being me. Goodbye to the haters who don’t get that I am selfish at times, spoiled at others, but if you take even a moment to get to know me that I am full of love for everyone. This only childsyndrome is easy to break ... 

To 2010 a year full of change physically, mentally and spiritually. Please let it be good to all of us and please inspire me to fill these pages again .. so much to say as always ;) 

Hello Stranger ...

It has been a while since I’ve written anything that was for me. Something that wasn’t going to be graded and or discussed like I wasn’t in the room, although those things don’t bother me they don’t give me the satisfaction that writing like this with errors and all does. *see there is probably all kinds of errors in that last lil bit (won’t call it a sentence) and I don’t care because well you are the internet and not my professor*

Life has been interesting, hard, confusing and the only thoughts that I really had this morning is that Duke lost to Villanova and I wanted to do a victory dance is Wanderlust’s living room. It’s the little things that keep me going, instead of the big things like dropping out of math that keep me down.

Smitten and I are just that; smitten. I don’t even know where to begin except that we’ve now been to therapy together. OMG, no we aren’t breaking up. I swear if I get asked one more time what is wrong I’ll start making up all the reasons couples go to therapy like I dunno “I think he might be gay?”, or “I think maybe I’m gay?.”

No, all is well and the therapy is really just foundation in learning to communicate because while I can tell you everything you’ll ever need to know in a day or two,  he needs time to think about it, mull it over and maybe he’ll actually figure out why he did or didn’t do what he said.

 I know it was hard for him; I could see it as soon as he picked me up and could tell by the silence on the way home but last night we really talked about the session itself. (Note we’ve already started doing the things that were suggested as a way to learn even better communication skills) He said that he didn’t know it would be that hard, told his own therapist that even, and in return his therapist was impressed he even went.

If it’s been said once, it’s been said a million times he really cares about me and it shows when he does things that is so out of his norm. The hard part for me is that I always want more. It’s not that I want him to do more; it’s just that telling me a childhood story is not the same as sharing your life. I know I sound greedy, but I AM.

The more I get the more I want. I’m sorry folks it is, what it is. I don’t plan on changing that much in the way I don’t plan on changing. The simple fact/facts are that every time Kyle Busch EVER wins a race, or Duke EVER loses in the BIG DANCE I am going to want to do one helluva a victory dance in Lust’s living room, and that in itself make me … well ME.

However, the fact is I’ve grown enough and continue to grow and learn and even at times ACCEPT that it’s never going to be all my way. Also, as an FYI should it EVER be all about me the entire world should worry. I think I’d make Hillary look like Glenda the Good Witch.

No, I understand that life is about give and take, and right now I should be more worried about what I’ve been given instead of taking what I have not.

 

Emotional Vomit (sorry I couldn't think of any other way to describe it)

Today I wrote this long post about pocket dialing, Gemini and Libras and how they compute in my world. I wrote about Lust, and anxiety and I got a lot of my chest. I talked about the fact I just wanted the LAST FUCKING WORD, and good god does he have to be as stubborn as me?

The timing of today’s events were even more so dramatic because my trainer had just asked about Lust yesterday; wanting to know how he was doing, and if I had any good stories. A lot of this has to do with the fact that my trainer will be Lust in years to come and I’ve always told him that.

It’s December and this month of all months I’ve fought the urge to “bump” in to him in some way or form and just make sure he’s alright. I mean I am sure he is, but that doesn’t make me want to know any less, but I haven’t because I also know that there is no point in it.

So this post focused on how the hell did my phone call a number that was deleted over a month ago, and then when I did figure out whom the txt’s were from why it had to end with me questioning why it was HE always needed the last word.

I’ll be honest the post that I wrote, the one that is sitting on my hard drive at work was much more poetic, written with more passion and action words. I also think I said fuck more than once, and used bold font and lots of caps. Yes, you are all missing out on that post but not having that post at my finger tips has caused me to write this post. I’ll admit it’s not that much to read and kind of cryptic if you will. The problem is I still needed to put all of that into words and not for you, but for me, because all day long it has eaten at me to the point I’ve felt sick. So, what do I do when I can’t get that I just ate a corny dog and rode the Love Bug twice feeling? I put it into print for all or none to read, it doesn’t matter. It’s the exercise that makes it better, not really the content.

Accidents Happen ...

I was in an accident tonight. I am sore, but I think overall I will be fine. It seems like a wake up call of some sort. I am a glass half empty kind of girl, and tonight proves exactly why. When it was all over and I was safely inside my own walls I started thinking about my entire life, and how it doesn’t measure to where I want it to, and how this accident was just another example of steps backwards.

I know that I am probably being over dramatic as there are many people with many more issues than me, but that doesn’t mean that right now I don’t feel totally alone in my struggles. This is exactly when being an only child kicks in. This is where I feel the world should be all about me, and that someone should be more than willing to draw me a bath, and tell me it will be ok when I cry.

That is the thing about being an only child that sucks the most. The attention at times you feel you need. It isn’t an all the time thing, but every now and then it’s probably more needed than the average person. I do nothing small.

If I haven’t said it in a long time, it’s nights like these I miss Lust the most. Not because he could fix it, or even make it better, but just because he knows. It’s the knowing part that makes the rest so much easier. It sucks to have to let go of something or someone so important to have something like this happen and them be the person you feel would understand the most. Not the action itself, but the way you feel deep down and never judge you for it. Not even a little bit.

Is my word over? It feels like it right now. Is that me being dramatic, and making an mountain out of a mole hill? Probably so, but in my head and my world my glass just got kicked over.

This is where I stomp my feet ….

While sitting across from Smitten Boi (who isn’t a boi at all, but a man) he commented that he was pretty sure that he’d been witness to his first only child tantrum earlier in the day. I smiled and pretended I had NO idea what he was talking about, and he gave me a knowing look. Ya know the one that says: OH I’m right, even if you won’t admit it because you are stubborn.

Me being stubborn is a whole other story, for another day but the fact is he had witnessed my tantrum earlier. I wasn’t getting what I wanted, because I wanted it and as wrong as that sounds at that moment in time I felt totally justified in wanting it my way.

Let me set the scene for you. Earlier in the week we made plans for cheap Mexican food, because well I love cheap Mexican food and he knew that I’d be busy all weekend with no time for other meals or luxuries. Cheap Mexican food had been on my mind since the plans were made, and so when he found he would be catching a plane in the morning last minute to New Orleans I put on my NO BIG DEAL face, and shrugged. I mean it’s work, and what can you about work. A little disappointed until it was confirmed he would be back here by 3pm, plenty of time to still have that cheap Mexican food we had discussed.

Fast forward to 3 pm yesterday, Smitten all landed and safe when I get the text about cheap Mexican. It was then that I tested the waters, a habit I really need to break.

Txt Smitten : “We doing Mexican?”
TxT Spoiled: “You sure you want to?”
Txt Smitten: “Could we do it early?”
Txt Spoiled: “Go home and get some rest”

Now this is the part where I would have liked him to have read my mind and said, “Hell NO, we are doing Mexican.” Instead I got

Txt Smitten: “That stinks, will I get to see you tomorrow?”

I won’t even tell you all the names I called him in my head. No he wouldn’t be seeing me tomorrow. Hell No actually. Then a minute later I receive a call to discuss this whole breakdown in communication. The fact is the last time we had plans to do something I got him at the end of the day drinking with his friends, and he had to leave in a rush because of a parental emergency. When he said can we do it early to me it said you are on a time limit because I’m tired. Yes, how I got all of that out of five little words is something that I wish I could justify, but I can’t. I took it the way I saw it, without looking at it any other way. During the phone call I verbally stomped my feet, trying to make sure that he knew I was disappointed, a little pissed off without having to say it. In saying it, I would have totally had to admit to the fit I was in the middle of. By the end of the phone conversation cheap Mexican was still on, score one for me. I mean score one for me getting what I wanted, because I wanted it. Right??

The fact of the matter is, I read into the whole can we make it early thing. I figured that meant that he was going to be tired, and boring, and I was off today and I wanted to have drinks unwind etc. I totally went left, and thought I wasn’t going to get what I wanted, and ya know what it wasn’t until he pointed it out over my 3^rd beer, his 2^nd that it really sunk in. All the details I was aware of, my actions or what not but I didn't look at it as he must have seen it. I was all getting what I wanted, and he was busy thinking goodness what a three year old. (maybe not that bad, but he could see it so I shouldn't have thought I was being so slick with it.

Yes I stomped my feet, and no I shouldn’t have, but did I get what I want? Uhhh yeah, and by the end of dinner he was totally ok with giving it to me. I’ll chalk this one up to a win/win and try to do better next time.