Only-Child Syndrome

Tool ... Before & After

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.
Alive, I

Tool has always been someone else’s band. They once belonged to Phuz, Mueller, and most recently Wanderlust. They are a band I’ve always appreciated it, rocked to when played but never ever felt like there was a chapter in my life that they filled.

Tonight I stood with three good friends knowing that Wanderlust was somewhere in the same venue and knowing that some of what I would hear would be music that I saw threw his eyes more so than anyone I know. The part I didn’t expect is when those words would take over and no longer would they belong to him or anyone else; no they actually depicted me and my life. Tool finally told a story all of my own.

I now also own a brand new pair of boy shorts and a t-shirt (thanks 5’10”) and it’s not because someone else will enjoy them, but because I no longer need a boy to field Tool for me. Tonight I came full circle with a band I have listened to for years, but tonight in that small theater I HEARD them, and hearing them for the first time made them mine.

 

 

It’s a Small World After All

The thing about social networking is these days everyone has a profile. I’ve had my MySpace profile since 2003 and although I think I outgrew it years ago I won’t delete it. Why? I don’t know because I’m way cooler than all those 16 yr olds including BMOC who just learned of MySpace maybe a year ago and think they are SOOO cool because they 6354313543743 friends.

Of the 169 MySpace friends I can say that I know all of them*if* they are actual people and not a band of some sort. Are we all close friends, and do I really care if their dog ate their homework? Naa, not really but at the end of the day I don’t put anything out there anymore so I don’t really think of it as a connecting site like I once did. I don’t spam people’s pages with silly html graphics and I wince every time I hit a page that has so many freaking photo cubes, and songs that even on the fastest connections it takes 2 hours to load. No, my “Space” is nothing more than another website that every now and again turns up something of interest, normally only dealing with BMOC and or Smitten.

As far as other sites like Linked in, I have stayed away much more because of the X-factor as opposed to the actual idea that other people are able to link to me in a professional manner. I can see the usefulness of it; I’m just too afraid to give away too much of where my life is these days to venture out and create a profile.

FaceBook on the other hand I have avoided like the plague. Why? I can’t give you an honest answer. I mean for the longest time I had everyone on MySpace so why complicate things with another social site that just links me to the same people I’m already connected me to, right? OH boy was I wrong. As my friends on MySpace started to disappear to FaceBook I finally took some time to set up a profile. I figured what the hell. It even have a nifty feature that allows me to feed this blog, something I haven’t decided yet to be a good or bad thing. The first two weeks on FaceBook I found school friends. I mean elementary school friends, and WOW that was great. I mean there are a couple that I really excited to see and know they are, but just like with MySpace there will be others that we linked because it felt like the right thing to do. Yesterday morning I decided I’d spend some time going through my email addresses and reconnecting with the masses. The people whose day I really do care about. The people that in some way mean something to me, and who I truly do care and want to know are happy even when their kids just spit up everywhere.

What really proved the POWER that is social networking is that I found a co-worker totally at random who knows people whom I’ve known for many years thanks to knowing another friend. When I was surfing profile and ran by her name I really couldn’t believe it. Here was one of the people I see every day, genuinely like and slowly but surely am getting to know better as time goes on and now I could peek inside of her non-work persona if you will. I mean if she accepted my friend request. It was totally crazy, but also very exciting to see the pictures of her and her friends, her boyfriend, and all dressed up for something other than staring at a computer screen all day which is what we all look like around here for the most part. Ya know unless one of us wakes up and just feels the need to be pretty.

It took me a bit to warm up to the idea of FaceBook because again, I’m OLD SKOOL MYSPACE, YO! However, after a little time on the site it’s obvious to me why so many of us “old” folks have moved over and are actually enjoying the online interaction again that was lost so long ago when MySpace became a place for html spam, and profile overloads.

Another old year turns into another new one ....

I wish that last year I’d written a real New Year’s post on my last blog. Something that I could look back on and see if I really cut the mustard in 2008, but the only thing I really said was “DAMN I’M HOT”. Yes I was feeling VERY shallow come the end of last year.

 So, instead I will highlight 2008 old school bullet style:

• Had my friendship with Lust flourish and fizzle while learning so much about myself. I am lucky to know him, and will be happy when someday we can meet in the middle. Just because I don’t think we can be close friends now doesn’t mean that I don’t look forward the future where we can.

• Changed jobs successfully and upgraded my pay scale. I don’t feel any richer, but the change was much needed. I feel it was a step up even though at times I miss my old job like crazy.
• Continued to further my education and keep my 4.0 in place.
• Got a trainer and at least for a good while kept up a good pace of course the past month I’ve crashed burned, but that’s what is great about New Years and getting to start all over. (I still think I’m hot though, don’t be fooled)
• Turned 30. Nothing else needs to be said.
• Found a real relationship with an amazing man who still believes that mix cd’s make girls swoon,  never calls me cute and thinks football is a religion. (all qualities that I totally lo It’s not always the easiest relationship, but it's not that hard either, although sometimes my posts might not always just say that.

 What will I do in 2009?

• Work on my finances and become more stable even with the economy taking a nose dive.

• Continue to spend time with my trainer and remain healthy. (and HAWT)
• Work hard in school but try to remember to breathe, and not always take myself so seriously.
• Rekindle friendships. There are many people who may not know that I think of them almost everyday and miss them dearly.
• Work on both my emotional and spiritual well being.
  
• Spend more time with my family immediate, and further out. I always want to make sure to spend plenty of time with BMOC before he's grown, and leaving for school.
  
• Continue to build my relationship because any man who throws this on a CD full of other “love songs” makes me smile in ways that I can’t even begin to put in words.
  

 

Black Friday Blues …

I have done nothing today. When I say nothing, I mean I haven’t moved from bed and TV. I thought earlier about moving, maybe going to get some late lunch early dinner, and totally determined that it was a waste of time.

I had thought about heading out of town tomorrow and forgot that I have to donate platelets tomorrow so that kinda kills my road trip mood. There is something to be said about having your blood sucked out of one arm and put back in the other that just doesn’t scream head out of town. I will tell you however that it does make you a cheap date when your all done.

I don’t really have anything of interest to say. Thanksgiving was great. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. The type of laughter you can only have with people who have known you since before you could drive. I ate lots but stayed away from the sweets. I guess that’s one bonus point in my lack of self control when my meal plan is concerned.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving Day, and didn’t suffer to much of a Turkey hangover. I also hope at least someone out there went and spent enough cash for me too in celebration of BlackFriday.

I'm THANKFUL for :

This year I can say I am simply thankful for everything. I whine, I complain, and life is never ever what I want it to be, but at the end of the day I have everything to be thankful for.

The friends I have made, and become closer with in the past year. I am not sure that it gets said enough but I do have some amazing friends. The past year there hasn’t be a challenge in my life that I haven’t been able to turn to them for guidance and support.

Turning 30. This year I got an amazing three day production of birthday festivities each one special in their own way. Another reason to admit just how lucky I am.

My family. I may not say it enough but I am extremely thankful for my family paternal and otherwise.

The job that I hate and love all at the same time.

My relationship with Smitten. It’s been an interesting, trying and challenging past few months but all in the ways that that help you grow as a person. I am thankful that we have taken the time to work through the problems one by one, and continue to work through the tough spots and enjoy the really good.

Lastly I am thankful for this video, because GOD that was when MTV and the Music Awards hadn’t totally jumped the shark.

What do I care what I say when I'm drunk???

The thing about assuming is that you are bound to get it wrong eventually; even when in the end you will be right. It’s a tricky line to walk and you either can get out early and in the end take the blame, or you can hold on and then be discarded in some nice throw off way. No matter what anyone says, there are only two ways to go; get dumped or be dumped. Admit it, play stupid, the chance is that you will still  be friends or you won’t but it won’t take long to figure out which side of the line you tow.

So what does that mean?

It means that friendships become difficult, and lines ones blurred get drilled in the sand. It means that no matter how much you care or how much you love; minus the romantic you still love and feel. If we could just shut it off, why would we ever go through the motion? Why would we allow our self to feel? If we could just decide that we don’t care; then where do we turn it off; all of it.

It’s not about love; it’s about how you feel at the end of the day. It’s about how someone makes you feel about yourself at the end of the day. It’s not about forever; it’s not even about right now. At the end of the day it’s only about how high or low you can hang your esteem. (At least in my only child perception)

I personally have hit a wall; where I go from here doesn’t even compute.

The Koman

My time was 1 hour and 1 minute for the 5k. This number is a little skewed as it took us almost 15 minutes to get to the start line once the race started. Also, we tried to RUN most of it, but that’s a little hard with 30,000 people who are walking, and pushing strollers. WrkGirlCrsh ran walked with me, and we did pretty well. Next year we are talking about training and maybe doing the timed run. Not because we plan on winning, but because the amount of people is so much less!!

We shall see. Another year down!

Looking within ...

It’s funny how easy it is to feel resentment when we feel we have lost something that meant so much to us, even if it never actually belonged to us at all.

How in your mind you can paint the pictures in perfect color and remember each emotion you felt, but if you look closely and are really honest with yourself then it becomes clear there was nothing there to lose. Not because those days didn’t happen, but because no one can take those memories and emotions from us.

People don’t fade in our minds, if anything it’s the only place they can live perfect forever. Yes, times may change, lives may grow but the foundation of what made it all so beautiful and special is still there; even when a true loss is encountered.

It’s much of how I remember life before my grandmother passed, or how I remember high school before I was a delinquent. It’s been proved in my life by being blessed by family with no blood relations, and it’s celebrated in friendships that span the years. It has also told the stories of unintentional bonds.

I have to remind myself of this when I get angry for all the people, and things I don’t have in my life any longer. When the anger gets to be too much and it’s easier to blame someone else instead of looking within. I have also worked on reminding myself that I am more whole because of the relationships I have had; not less complete because they aren’t what they once were.

Changes Come

In a conversation today with Wanderlust I pretty much threw my hands in the air when talking about the whole growing up, being unselfish, and decided I was giving up on being a better person. The fact of the matter is all of the changes he has commented on in the past six months is what got me to this post. All those less than only child ways some how opened my eyes to what I would have to do if someday, one day, any day I wanted a real relationship. I would have never made those changes, or seen the things in me that needed work had it not been for Lust, and yet here I was throwing them all to the wind because honestly; I am scared. I am scared that I can’t live up to them, because in being a better person I have to actually BE a better person. Something that I am not yet sure I am yet ready for; only time will tell.

For all purposes I feel like Lust and I broke up today, officially. There had been changes coming for some time. He would move back to his hood where he had friends, and a routine that would allow him to get back to the person he was when I met him two years ago. For me the changes were with figuring out that I did indeed want a relationship with a man who I’ve held so far away while awaiting a list of things I needed to happen. Changes he needed to make in order to be ready for a relationship, not just changes that made me believe him. No matter how you look at it, for Lust and I changes were going to happen. So why I feel so shell shocked now is beyond me.

In the course of a conversation about me NEEDING him to discuss some other life changes, we danced around the fact that the both of us have been holding back. I am kind of mad that it took me took me just having to beat it out, or beat around to finally get us to both say it. I made a comment about not wanting him to be my crutch, and he agreed that he felt the same. The fact that we need space to adjust to his changes, and my changes doesn’t scare me. The part that scares me is that we may never get back even 50% of what we had. That we got too close, relied too much, and even against our better judgment ruined what we had. Another thing that time will only time will tell.

To his credit I started this push, mostly to avoid the way I feel right now. I pushed hard almost two weeks ago, hoping almost that I could break what we had and have him despise me for a lack of a better word. That was my goal. When he told me he didn’t hate me, and knew exactly what I was doing was just another example of the friendship we had formed, and I felt ashamed for it. My acts of self preservation are something that I still need to work on, and apparently six months is not enough time to get a handle on them.

So now here we are. Spaced. Changes have come.

 

It’s your god forsaken right to be loved loved loved!

I don’t think I have always thought that. Instead I’ve always thought that I was lucky if someone, anyone loved me. I needed to feel loved in ways that were so unhealthy that I punished myself if I couldn’t.

To say I’d be the perfect spouse for abuse is putting it mildly. Even as a small child I didn’t need someone to scold me, or punish me. If I did something deemed “bad” I would go and stand in the corner immediately. I guess that as a child being perfect at least in the eyes of others equaled love to me. At times even as an adult I still find myself caught up with those ideas. If I am just able to prove this, or that, then x or y will love me. 

My late teens and early twenties were filled with acts of desperation in an effort to just feel loved. I’m not proud of that, yet those acts very much mold and make up who I am today. I still have days when the need to feel loved is overwhelming, and only two short years ago I would have still went above and beyond to know what it felt to be cherished. When the cherishing or love didn’t happen I had no problems punishing myself for not being good enough. I could spend hours fixated on what I could do to make “him” love me. Make “him” see me as good enough, worthy of his love. It is amazing what two years can do for a person.

“Him” and his words still have an effect that is even surprising to me. It appears that he still understand this, and every six months when I feel a little stronger like the plague “Him” returns, and I have to take my medicine. This time was better than others but it was not without mistakes. I tried very hard to push one of the most important people in my life, completely out. Not because of anything they had done, because I did not in the moment feel worthy of their love, or friendship.

I still felt the need to punish myself for not being a “good” person. The fact those words still stream out of me in a fit of desperation still says I have a lot of work a head of me. However, the fact remains I do deserve to be loved, and am worthy of love. I just have to remind myself that it’s no longer “Him” that gets to decide when or how I am loved. That the only love that I need is the love I am willing to accept, and that power belongs only to me.

It’s MY god forsaken right to be loved loved loved!