Only-Child Syndrome

Gimmie a break ....

I always like to see how people ended up at my blog and man there have been lots of Google searches about only children, and only child syndrome. Then you run into articles that quote things like only children are lavished with attention, undisciplined, and plain spoiled which right now I’d like to call BS on.

Am I spoiled? Yes, but not because of the fact I am an only child more so than I was an over achiever who worked hard in school, worked hard at any job I had, and overall am a pleaser. I was always up to more good than I was bad and I was rewarded. 

Does that mean I got everything I wanted?  NO! We were not a rich family growing up and the things I was spoiled about were more like food, and books, etc. There were no computers, iphones, and Nintendo DS. When I look at my friends with more than one child and see the things they are given because the neighbor next door has one I just laugh. I was spoiled but it wasn’t material.

Was there discipline? Of course and lots of it. If you were to ever meet my mom you’d know to this day she still has no issue smacking my hand and telling me no. I grew up in the years that CPS didn’t come to your house for spanking your children and there was the one summer that I stole her cigarettes and I spent the remainder of the summer in my room, no TV or radio. Still to this day my mother remembers things I did and when I got caught stealing (she caught me before I got out the store with it) I am the one who wrote the letter exiling myself from the family. She showed me that letter I wrote after that addressed to her full name, and signed by her ex daughter. She didn’t even have to tell me how much trouble I was in because I knew right from wrong and I knew exactly what I did wrong.

Hell one time I let the F-word slip when I was young, and I’m sure to this day my folks chuckled about it but I cried all the way home scared of what was to come. I punished myself way better than my parents ever did and in a lot of cases they let me do just that. It would be years before I figured out they did this because I came up with stronger punishments than they would have. 

I was the one most hard on myself and still am. When I feel entitled to something it’s because I’ve worked hard to get it not because my folks gave it to me. Not because I should just get it because I’m ME, and ME is the most important.

If you are dealing with an only child now who gets it all you can bet there are just as many middle children running around with the same gadgets. The same lax parent attitude, and birth right has nothing to do with it. It’s just a sign of the times, and a change in parenting. So the next time you Goggle only-child syndrome because they are out of control, take a look at yourself. Parenting makes all the difference and if you want to make sure you raise a humble child, then teach them to be just that. At least teach them that if they are going to walk around head high and full of entitlement that they learned to walk around with that kind of attitude all on their own and not because you’ve just bought them all the newest toys or best clothes. There is nothing wrong for celebrating your child’s accomplishment but keep it in check and don’t buy into all only children are one in the same because we are examples of our parents. Ask mine, she’ll tell you that every time. 

Goodbye 2009; you will not be missed ...

I wrote this last night on my facebook and remembered OMG I have a blog; I bet you all thought I had forgotten about it. 

 So today you get yesterdays post, but starting tomorrow you'll get something witty, funny, embersassing, and plain and simple unedited. Why you ask? Well if I started to learn to use comas, colons, and semi-colons correctly would you love me more? If so .... you are just TOO shallow :)

_______________________________

It only seems fitting that I start writing again one day before the New Year. 2009 was a year that sucked so much energy out of me that even something as soul cleansing as writing lost it’s touch and instead I think the year swallowed me whole and left me empty. In no particular order I’d like to say goodbye to some things that were hard to let go, move on, and get past but have fueled my drive for the 2010 year and all it should bring …

To Wanderlust:  who I will forever love. He was my best friend, my rock and it sucks that no matter how good we ever were that when the day came that I needed him he’d fail me. It’s hard to look at yourself and say “I’m his crutch” but in the end that is what proved to be true. He’s an amazing man and taught me so much about myself and got me writing again in the first place however when all I wanted to do was drunk dial him and yell about how much energy seemed wasted; well the writing was on the wall. Our memories will always be with me, and for that I am thankful and wouldn’t change anything. Our paths may even cross again, but we will never be the same and to those days I say goodbye.

To the job: that I killed myself on a daily basis only to learn within the first few months the cards were stacked against me. To the IT department that I fought with tooth and nail for each client I had I bid you farewell. Not every memory will be bad as I met some wonderful people, but if I learned anything it is no matter how good you may be at your job if someone wants you gone and they have enough power; it will happen.

To my Aunt who passed: The love that she had for our family and myself her horse; she will be thought of lots but I say goodbye to the grief and move on to happier memories of her life. To the thoughts of cold nights, and bunk beds with my cousin chadder mc chadderson, and of her ready to beat up my boyfriend of 17 because she thought he was cheating on me. Yes, goodbye to the body with cancer that took her away from us. For now she lives stronger and better somewhere else, somewhere better.

Goodbye to the me: Who never feels accepted yet craves acceptance  by everyone and accepting it is nothing but a pipe dream. Instead it will be a year of being ok with myself and loving every minute of being me. Goodbye to the haters who don’t get that I am selfish at times, spoiled at others, but if you take even a moment to get to know me that I am full of love for everyone. This only childsyndrome is easy to break ... 

To 2010 a year full of change physically, mentally and spiritually. Please let it be good to all of us and please inspire me to fill these pages again .. so much to say as always ;) 

There is so much to say ...

Family, cancer, failing grades, all things that could be used to describe where I am right now but I know its all temporary one way or the other ...

I'm not ready to write about any of it just yet though ....

It's only a job right?

Its sucks to leave a job that in one minute you can feel like you’ve made some headway, and leave totally in tears. Crying in parking lots, crying at the thought of the next day at work are not really the way I operate so the fact I find myself acting this way I have to stop and take inventory. These actions are exactly what my job has become to me. The place is worse than crack. The highs really high and the lows so low that I wonder at times how it is I will muster up the strength to go back the next day.

I’m at a crossroads where I need figure out exactly where I stand and either decides to move forward and do the job I know I’m capable of, and let everyone else go on about their way. I can on the other hand throw in the towel and move on. It isn’t in me to be a job hopper but if it looks like more bad days than good, well I’ve just worked t hard to be in a good place to let a job of all things take it away.

Right now I’m tired, I’m whiney and I’m full of emotion. I am hoping after 8 hours I will be more at ease and today’s stress will be yesterdays stress and tomorrow will be the new high. Only 8 hours and counting until we find out if that’s what the day will have in store…

 

It's only talking outloud ....

I’ve never hid the fact that I’m a fan of therapy. There is just something about letting out all the crap
you’ve been carrying around for years to make you feel just a little bit lighter.

I’ve been doing it for about a month now, and this time it’s much harder than it’s been before. Maybe because I’m not showing up to blab for an hour, but I’m working towards something; what that something is might be the tougher question. I really hate the childhood questions because I wonder which childhood she wants to know about. The happy one or the one that landed me on her couch, both very valid yet each so very separate to who I am today. In a box if you will and apparently that is my problem. The box that I keep myself in, away from anyone who might actually care about me and for what reason is as good as anyone’s guess.

This week’s homework is to tell someone I care about something about my life that makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t think she meant confessing something to my blog. I’m not sure it counts considering there is no way I can see the blogoshpere’s face or hear it’s voice to know if whatever makes me uncomfortable is really ok. That I am just as normal as anyone else, or at least I’m not crazier than anyone else.

I haven’t decided yet what I want to say, or to who but I’ll do it because before I left her office she dared me too. The fact she was smart enough to do that makes me think she’s probably the perfect therapist for me.

I also probably needed to talk today more than I really knew I needed to as well.

Work is stressful, relationships are tricky, and memories are just that, memories.

I needed someone to hear me out loud say that I understand the logic behind what in me needs to grow, to change. The facts are however that I don’t give a damn much when it comes to logic and emotion. I need to do what my instincts have always told me. When things get comfortable change, run. When things seem to good, they are and get out ahead of the disaster coming.

I wonder sometimes where I’d be in life if I didn’t run or push as soon as things seem to settle into
something worth being a part of. I wonder why it is I can’t relax, breathe and just enjoy. Why do I need complicated, tricky? I have no fucking idea but lets home I figure it out before I go broke one session at a time.

*sigh*

If I close my eyes it’s not hard to remember exactly what it felt like to have an open intimacy without fear of what the next morning was going to look like. I remember the touch, the feel, the moving forward and I remember having a love/hate relationship with it. There is nothing worse than knowing what is good for you, and also knowing that at the same time it can be so very bad for you. However, there is something to be said about ignorance and bliss and how lovely they go hand in hand. There are days that sometimes I wish I could go back to being that blind and encountering that much bliss even if it's fleeting.

The past few weeks have been rough and I have been fighting hard not to shut completely off from everyone and just checking out. I hate the way the way the X can throw me off my game, but reading the posts from the last time he surfaced has helped serve as a reminder of how badly I handled it, and how much damage it caused. How broken I felt. How out of control my actions and emotions were.  

The bright side is that I learned something from the last time. I’ve been taking care of myself so much better mentally this time around. I have avoided the acting out and then worrying about the fallout. I have just been taking care of me. Some days are a little rougher than the others, but at the end of the day I do actually remember the day. There is something to be said for that all on it's own.

The dark side of being mentally well is being told by someone with much more wisdom, and a PHD that the something you thought was good for you, might indeed be bad. This time there is no ignorance and bliss, there is no open intimacy. No, this time it feels closed off, strained and honestly I long more and more for ignorance; because the last time something was bad for me the ignorance provided plenty of bliss. 

Small Town Living - Larger Than Life Tragedy

I’ve avoided my blog for the past few days because there hasn’t been anything happy to report. The funny thing is the reason I started the blog was to write when there wasn’t any especially happy to write about. An outlet if you will.

I’d like to tell you that Christmas was merry, I got everything I wanted and the day was filled with food and fun. That’s what I wish I could report but outside of Christmas Eve where I once again out cooked myself my Christmas was anything but. I have went back and forth on what details I’d share about Christmas day. Due to the nature of the events I’m not sure what is appropriate as far as my family, and the other family involved; not that either party knows about my blog. I also am pretty sure no one wants each gory detail so I’ll do my best to keep it to a bare minimum. I’m writing about this event in particular not as a way to get pity, or someone to feel sorry for me, but I am hoping that in putting in print somewhere the nightmares can end and I can get back to a normal life.

For those who don’t know me I grew up in a small town. There are back roads, dirt roads, and plenty of pastures that as a kid we made our personal playground. I learned to drive by the time I was 11 and it was nothing for me to cruise the back roads for the helluva it. In the country there is almost a code that says that all of those things are just rites of passage. There is no telling how many times I’ve put my life in danger over being a stupid kid. I have broken bones, driven through fences on motorcycles. In high school there were car wrecks for taking corners to fast, you name it and me and my friends probably did it and survived to tell about it. Hell, I still have a scar or two that I’m awful proud of.

Getting that all out, it is what makes what transpired 30 feet in front of me as I was about to be to my Aunt’s house all the more heartbreaking. A 23 yr old young man lost his life after exceeding speeds of at least 70-80 on a motorcycle when he lost control either because he was on one wheel, or because he hit the gravel and the bike slid. Either way the boy hit my Aunt’s mail box, half of his body went through the steel wagon wheel (decoration) and his body flung itself 10 feet if not more in the air while his bike went another 20 feet. In looking back I am sure that although he was breathing for almost an hour while we waited on emergency services he was gone the minute his body hit the ground.

I know that an hour seems like a long time to wait on EMT’s to arrive but that is exactly how far my hometown is from everywhere else. As we waited we did everything we could and because of a helmet wasn’t even sure who the kid was. He lost a leg, and his bones were crushed, and his breathing labored. I have never been prouder of my cousin and uncle as they patted the kids back and spoke to him to let him know he wasn’t alone. As this was all happened in my Aunt’s front yard word got around to everyone else, and we found out that the kid was a boy who has lived on the circle his whole life. I don’t remember him, but his has a brother my age that I do know. It was heartbreaking watching his family cry and watch helplessly. It took them almost 2 hours to finally call him. We watched this all happen, but again we all pray he did not suffer.

After the wreckage was finally cleaned up we sat around and talked about all the stupid shit we had gotten away with. There is no telling how many times this could have happened to one of us should one detail had been out of place. I know people will say he shouldn’t have been going so fast, and they are right. He shouldn’t have been doing wheelies, and yes again they are right. The fact however remains that growing up where we grew up, and in any small town it isn’t until this kind of tragedy happens does anyone slow down to think what if.

My family is now full of young kids ranging from 8 to 1 and to listen to my own hard headed cousin say that NONE of his kids will be doing that stuff, even though I know he may be a bigger offender than any of us was something. It’s sad that it took this young man’s death to show us that even in small town America we are not invincible, but this time that is the case.

Tragic Holiday

I am not in a place yet to write about Christmas although I do need to get it out eventually. I am fortunate that myself and my family are safe, but I grieve for the loss of another.

YES .. I’m an only child … so sue my PARENTS

Excuse me while I rant.

It should always be remembered that only children are only children because their parents made that choice for one reason or the other. I don’t ever remember at any point in my life my mom or dad coming to me and asking if I had an opinion on whether or not they should bring another child in to the world. It just kind of worked out the way it did and so here I am 30 yrs old, and yes I have traits that SCREAM only child. I am however over the stereo typing. I have goggled only child more than once and some of the things said all over the net are sad. Not all only children fit in a box. Lord knows I’ve been screaming that a lot lately at the new job.

I actually heard this week that I might not make a good mother because of the fact the world must revolve around me. WTF? There are a few facts about only children when it comes to love, and relationships.

In my opinion I need to be with a giver, and in most cases the compatibility usually is with someone who isn’t an only child. I also find myself far more compatible with someone who is older than me as well. I have no idea if that is because I’m an only child, but I’m sure there is someone out there that would be willing to psycho analyzes it. For me personally dating an only child didn’t work but I’m sure that is not a hard fast rule just the way it happened for me. 

Am I am ok with needing to be with someone willing to give and bend? Yes I am but it is a tight rope walk in the fact that I also need someone willing to call me out on my actions. This isn’t a secret and any man I’ve ever dated has been told this exact thing. I don’t hide behind being an only child as an excuse for my actions. I can be selfish, I am needy, and I will throw out my bottom lip if I think it will get me something I really want. I don’t really care if I ever out grow all of those things, because a lot of times they are more out of fun than anything else. Although, there is no denying that some of it is pure emotion and in those cases I work very quickly to put myself back in check. 

 There is however no blue print of what I will be like as a wife, let a lone a mother but there is no denying that how I was brought up will come into play. That is also to say there is not a blue print for how someone else who had siblings will turn out either. What I’d really like people see however is that I am kind, generous, and overall a good person and that will also lend itself to my role as a wife or mother? In the end when it comes to me and being an only child it doesn’t really have to be all about me and my world, sometimes I just need to feel like it is.

As it all comes to an end ...

As NaBloMo comes to an end I was wondering how I would finish up my thirty days of rambling, then thanks to Down To Earth Momma I had my answer. I would pander to unknown bloggers in a give away. As a side note however, if you haven’t read DTE’s blog, you should run over and do so no! Over the past month there has been plenty to make me appreciate her blog. Plus her comments on the Eagles really put some things in perspective for me.

Unbeknownst to me HP has enlisted a group of bloggers in a contest to give away a ton of computers in an effort to have people share the magic. I think this is an amazing idea and I knew exactly who I would share the gift with should I win. That being said I entered over at Thoughts on Poetics and Tech. What I wasn’t aware of when I headed over was that I would find such an eclectic blog filled with posts about technology, feminism, and poetry. A rare breed if I do say, or maybe I’m just lazy and haven’t looked that hard.

Parts of the rules say I must link back to the post that I decided to comment on, which I will do in just a second. The thing that stood out to me about this post is that I know that if I had read the Bitch Manifesto sooner, or even had known it existed it might have changed my self esteem of sorts, and made me feel like less of oddity by my family and those people I worked with. So for any woman who doesn’t know it I suggest you follow my link and put yourself in the know, then run out and find the entire thing as I pretty sure that there is much to be gained by it.

To those who read my blog in honor of NaBloPoMo thank you. I hope you stick around, but if not I’m sure we will bump into each other again, maybe as soon as next November. To those who posted blog rolls for NaBloPoMo it is because of you I need to update my blogs I’m currently reading list.