Only-Child Syndrome

Accidents Happen ...

I was in an accident tonight. I am sore, but I think overall I will be fine. It seems like a wake up call of some sort. I am a glass half empty kind of girl, and tonight proves exactly why. When it was all over and I was safely inside my own walls I started thinking about my entire life, and how it doesn’t measure to where I want it to, and how this accident was just another example of steps backwards.

I know that I am probably being over dramatic as there are many people with many more issues than me, but that doesn’t mean that right now I don’t feel totally alone in my struggles. This is exactly when being an only child kicks in. This is where I feel the world should be all about me, and that someone should be more than willing to draw me a bath, and tell me it will be ok when I cry.

That is the thing about being an only child that sucks the most. The attention at times you feel you need. It isn’t an all the time thing, but every now and then it’s probably more needed than the average person. I do nothing small.

If I haven’t said it in a long time, it’s nights like these I miss Lust the most. Not because he could fix it, or even make it better, but just because he knows. It’s the knowing part that makes the rest so much easier. It sucks to have to let go of something or someone so important to have something like this happen and them be the person you feel would understand the most. Not the action itself, but the way you feel deep down and never judge you for it. Not even a little bit.

Is my word over? It feels like it right now. Is that me being dramatic, and making an mountain out of a mole hill? Probably so, but in my head and my world my glass just got kicked over.

Another post down ....

This may be the longest week EVER. Home from Houston but tomorrow is another client visit but hopefully it will be an early day. I think I’ll treat myself to a visit to my favorite wine bar with an early tasting from one of the best Somalia's in Dallas.

Well maybe not one of the best, but she always gets it right and I always snag a new bottle that I dig. There is something to be said for growing new leafs.

Volunteer Work ...

Even though I keep a somewhat hectic life as it is; hell who am I fooling I am a busy girl. I have been trying to find some kind of volunteer work that could benefit someone else and maybe make me a more educated philanthropist in the processes.

Ok, so philanthropist might be a little bit of a reach but if I could give some of my time and it might help someone down the road then so be it. If it happens to make me feel fulfilled in some way, that’s just a bonus. So far I am learning towards Planned Parenthood.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and debate what they do vs. what they don’t do because at the end of the day they do a lot of good work, and even though this is MY blog I am not going to speak morals on this subject. We all know that PPNT in some clinics do offer abortions, but they offer so much more than that. They offer low cost health care, sexual awareness classes and not for the kids having sex but for their parents. In a lot of cases they are the safest place a teenager can end up because at the end of the day there is no judging, only good information to hopefully lend to good choices down the road. There is a seminar coming up in a couple of weeks, and I’m interested to see what might come of it.

So blogosphere you heard it first thanks to all the stress from work that has me wide awake at 4am, along with the amazing thunderstorms that just aren’t as wonderful when you are in bed by yourself.

The Last Word …

The funny thing about giving or giving up the last word is that you have a 50/50 chance to win. There is no denying that the last word is all about winning. It’s all about getting your final say over what happens next, either with you or some aspect in your life.

The only simple truth that I’ve learned about the last word however, is that it does not have to be a word at all. The last word can in fact just being smart enough to not say a word at all.

What do I care what I say when I'm drunk???

The thing about assuming is that you are bound to get it wrong eventually; even when in the end you will be right. It’s a tricky line to walk and you either can get out early and in the end take the blame, or you can hold on and then be discarded in some nice throw off way. No matter what anyone says, there are only two ways to go; get dumped or be dumped. Admit it, play stupid, the chance is that you will still  be friends or you won’t but it won’t take long to figure out which side of the line you tow.

So what does that mean?

It means that friendships become difficult, and lines ones blurred get drilled in the sand. It means that no matter how much you care or how much you love; minus the romantic you still love and feel. If we could just shut it off, why would we ever go through the motion? Why would we allow our self to feel? If we could just decide that we don’t care; then where do we turn it off; all of it.

It’s not about love; it’s about how you feel at the end of the day. It’s about how someone makes you feel about yourself at the end of the day. It’s not about forever; it’s not even about right now. At the end of the day it’s only about how high or low you can hang your esteem. (At least in my only child perception)

I personally have hit a wall; where I go from here doesn’t even compute.

Looking within ...

It’s funny how easy it is to feel resentment when we feel we have lost something that meant so much to us, even if it never actually belonged to us at all.

How in your mind you can paint the pictures in perfect color and remember each emotion you felt, but if you look closely and are really honest with yourself then it becomes clear there was nothing there to lose. Not because those days didn’t happen, but because no one can take those memories and emotions from us.

People don’t fade in our minds, if anything it’s the only place they can live perfect forever. Yes, times may change, lives may grow but the foundation of what made it all so beautiful and special is still there; even when a true loss is encountered.

It’s much of how I remember life before my grandmother passed, or how I remember high school before I was a delinquent. It’s been proved in my life by being blessed by family with no blood relations, and it’s celebrated in friendships that span the years. It has also told the stories of unintentional bonds.

I have to remind myself of this when I get angry for all the people, and things I don’t have in my life any longer. When the anger gets to be too much and it’s easier to blame someone else instead of looking within. I have also worked on reminding myself that I am more whole because of the relationships I have had; not less complete because they aren’t what they once were.

Pop Up Blocker ???

It has been some time since the last communication from the ex, but with my birthday I figured he would reappear. I mean who doesn’t love a Happy Birthday Whore email to make the world to feel real. That being said with all my changes there has been no communications but that hasn’t stopped the Ex from effecting my life. I have had nightmares starting last week every night and every night I spend at least an hour coaxing myself to calm down and sleep.

It’s obvious that in my head there is always the chance of a pop up if you will. Now if someone could tell me where I could download a pop up blocker for my dreams life could resume to it’s normal amount of chaos and I can return to my normal lack of sleep.

Deep Breathing (not just for asphyxiation)

The past week has allowed little time for anything more than purging my life into as little as possible to then moving it to a much bigger space and realizing that this is what it really feels like to start from scratch. I am trying in all ways to stay on the positive thought path, but there is something about staring at completely empty rooms that makes you wonder if this was really the best decision.

Speaking of best decisions; I have questioned lately who all I let know about this blog. What started as a way to speak my mind about myself and my own insecurities has become something that I avoid at all cost when I really have something to say. Mostly because I’m not always sure how it might be interrupted by those who read it. You’ll notice in sometime I haven’t mentioned Smitten and where we are with our relationship, nor have I spoke about my own personal changes of scenery to promote a healthier me. In really taking a look at that it has been clear that my apprehension of such things have stifled exactly what this blog was supposed to mean to me. An exercise in deep breathing if nothing else, so I’ve made a pact with myself to just write when the urge hits no matter who might read it one way or the other. I suspect that the surprise in my feelings won’t be that they are what they are but instead of the fact that I put them in print.

This week’s exercise in life is turning 30; an age that I have no problems with as a number but which has fueled a lot of tears over the past few days. I know that every year I reflect back to where I was a year ago, and although progress has been made I don’t feel like I have the life of someone who is 30. Of course that is easily questioned by EVERYONE.

“What does a 30 yr old life look like?”

My honest answer is, not like mine. I don’t know if it is that I don’t give myself enough credit, or that I may never be satisfied with life in my very over achiever way. So, the only solution I have is to stress as little as possible. Something not accomplished easily mind you, I can only try and not engage in the negative thoughts quite so often.  Although, in my "the sky is always falling" mind the negative thoughts are not always the enemy. Sometimes they are the motivation for the happy thoughts that follow the accomplishment.

So, I try to not worry too much that people see me as someone with no people in her life, or someone with no options in entertainment. Much of what I’m doing right now takes as much effort as it does to get all dolled up and smile in an effort to pretend that you like everyone in the room. I just don’t have the energy for that much deep breathing at any one time.

The sky is indeed falling ...

Disclaimer: This is one of those rambles that doesn’t mean much from the outside, but between the lines it speaks volumes or my creativity just seems that much better when ambien induced.

Less than a month away and the sky is falling, and I’m trying to figure out how to keep my head above water. That and every other bad life takes a turn for the worse, bump in the road cliché you can think of. I’d like to thank identity theft, Bell County, and lawyers with fees for more than the actual cost of the incident.

I’m not getting into details at the moment, but I’ve spent most of the evening in tears save for a few laughs, and unwarranted victory dances. Now I’m stuck in my head and no matter how much my body knows I need sleep my head just won’t seem to allow it.

The silver lining; I might know my language of love which sounds extremely self help-ish and maybe a little gay but eye opening on so many levels. It is however some break through in regards to communication and what is important to me, and will hopefully prove helpful in the future.

 

 

 

days like this ...

thank god for red wine