Only-Child Syndrome

I don't do well with change ....

  am not one for change. Well let me take that back, I don't do well with change that doesn't benefit me in some way shape or form. This has nothing to do with wanting my own way as it does with being obsessed with routine and habit. I am a creature that thrives in it, lives for and now that the past months have been nothing but change and with more on the way I have to admit I am more than a little freaked out.

When I lost my job I didn't lose all my hope only my trainer and it took me at least two months before I had gained weight, started smoking AGAIN, and decided that booze could solve all. That is how easily I can fall back to an old comfortable and even 23 yr old pattern because really when unemployed what is there to do? I started this slip and just hung out in the gutter if you will for a while. Of course I wanted a job, needed a job, but there was something comforting about the fact that I had no responsibility; or none that I could afford anyway. Which is why I should have been EXCITED when my new job came along and it was so easy to pick back my routine.

At least that is what I thought.

Instead I am miserable; trainer back and all. I have quit smoking which I miss dearly if for no other reason than it gave me something to do. I guess when I quit a couple of years ago I was so busy with school, men/man and other rand tidbits that I didn't have time to be a smoke but now that I have been reduced to a job that any 18 yr old could do that I crave vices like red wine, Parliament lights and Three Musketeer bars. 

However, don't let me fool you to be working is an ends to a mean and if you listen to Smitten whose half glass full nonsense drives me nuts, all I have to do is SUCK IT UP for six months and the company is mine. BIG plans for me and all, and he might be right. I have heard as much from upper management but it doesn't make me want to slit my wrists any less these days. 

Speaking of change and a big one at that Smitten and I or maybe I have decided we should live together. When I say "I" It's not that have forced the issue. No we've had very grown up and mature conversations on the subject it's just that when they were only conversations we had over and over again that I had to draw a line in the sand somewhere. So in exactly 3 weeks we are supposed to start cohabiting. Honestly it's time to put the relationship to the test but at the same time I am expecting him to call me in 2 weeks and say he just can't do it. WHY? Probably because as I have said all along he wasn't ready to date when we started this, and that is ok or at least it was until we began inching between the two year mark and 
I see him even less than I did when we started dating. If it wasn't for all the traveling he did for work and me knowing it was legit, or knowing that he really does love me I would have already bailed. 

So yes there is more change to come in my life, more routines that need to be created. NO NO NO, not the Parliament lights but instead school and a new desire to SUCK IT UP and make it through this entry level position that I arrive at before the crack of dawn so that I can leave as the sun is setting. (yes another habit and work ethic problem I have) 

Yes this only child is drowning in change, when all I really want is a Sunday on a couch with some bad tv and maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. 

Wish me luck, and keep ya posted ....

Goodbye 2009; you will not be missed ...

I wrote this last night on my facebook and remembered OMG I have a blog; I bet you all thought I had forgotten about it. 

 So today you get yesterdays post, but starting tomorrow you'll get something witty, funny, embersassing, and plain and simple unedited. Why you ask? Well if I started to learn to use comas, colons, and semi-colons correctly would you love me more? If so .... you are just TOO shallow :)

_______________________________

It only seems fitting that I start writing again one day before the New Year. 2009 was a year that sucked so much energy out of me that even something as soul cleansing as writing lost it’s touch and instead I think the year swallowed me whole and left me empty. In no particular order I’d like to say goodbye to some things that were hard to let go, move on, and get past but have fueled my drive for the 2010 year and all it should bring …

To Wanderlust:  who I will forever love. He was my best friend, my rock and it sucks that no matter how good we ever were that when the day came that I needed him he’d fail me. It’s hard to look at yourself and say “I’m his crutch” but in the end that is what proved to be true. He’s an amazing man and taught me so much about myself and got me writing again in the first place however when all I wanted to do was drunk dial him and yell about how much energy seemed wasted; well the writing was on the wall. Our memories will always be with me, and for that I am thankful and wouldn’t change anything. Our paths may even cross again, but we will never be the same and to those days I say goodbye.

To the job: that I killed myself on a daily basis only to learn within the first few months the cards were stacked against me. To the IT department that I fought with tooth and nail for each client I had I bid you farewell. Not every memory will be bad as I met some wonderful people, but if I learned anything it is no matter how good you may be at your job if someone wants you gone and they have enough power; it will happen.

To my Aunt who passed: The love that she had for our family and myself her horse; she will be thought of lots but I say goodbye to the grief and move on to happier memories of her life. To the thoughts of cold nights, and bunk beds with my cousin chadder mc chadderson, and of her ready to beat up my boyfriend of 17 because she thought he was cheating on me. Yes, goodbye to the body with cancer that took her away from us. For now she lives stronger and better somewhere else, somewhere better.

Goodbye to the me: Who never feels accepted yet craves acceptance  by everyone and accepting it is nothing but a pipe dream. Instead it will be a year of being ok with myself and loving every minute of being me. Goodbye to the haters who don’t get that I am selfish at times, spoiled at others, but if you take even a moment to get to know me that I am full of love for everyone. This only childsyndrome is easy to break ... 

To 2010 a year full of change physically, mentally and spiritually. Please let it be good to all of us and please inspire me to fill these pages again .. so much to say as always ;) 

Honestly ... Nothing is wrong

It’s been almost two years since I’ve felt this helpless, hopeless, and absolutely unhappy. There is NOTHING wrong. Let me repeat that for anyone not listening; NOTHING WRONG!!! Well almost nothing, telling someone over and over and over that nothing is wrong you are just “sad” and they continue to try and find the fix, well that can just piss you off.

I am so annoyed with those I love the most, and that is the most frustrating part. Certain voices feel like nails on a chalkboard, and nothing ANYONE can do can solve it. That’s the maddening part for all the “fixers” in my life.

What is really hard is that it has been two years since I felt like I was being sucked in a black hole. My mother’s upside was that it’s been two years!! I mean that’s so much better than I when I was younger, but I feel like FUCK it’s been two years, and again here we are.

The person I feel the most for is Smitten. I am pretty sure more than once I have told him to R U N while he can. I feel bad that he wants to fix it, make it better and it kills me that all I do is snap at him. I’ve sorrta explained where I am, but I know it does nothing for him. He understands, but doesn’t.

I talked to my mother today who probably felt the same frustration that Smitten feels right now years ago when this whole adventure. She said she remembers how irritable I was, and how all she wanted to do was ANYTHING to make me happy; even for a minute.

It will take a little while to get this under control but until then I am working really hard on not imploding me, or my relationship.

One day at a time, or some random cliché like that …

tiny, i'm still alive ....

Still not ready to talk, but I have written just scared to actually put it anywhere to be read out loud as it probably outs me as a horrible, ungrateful brat. I have been asked to enter it into a literary contest at school, yet another option to decide.

The cancer is stage 4, and we are still waiting if/when to have a treatment plan.
Work is still a very hard place.
I've had some ups like court side Mavs and a sweaty Josh Howard towel.
Frustrated with a certain man in my life.
I can't fucking do 8th grade math!
I have a hawt date with a six yr old back home for some bowling fun. Something I'm honestly  most looking forward too!

It's only talking outloud ....

I’ve never hid the fact that I’m a fan of therapy. There is just something about letting out all the crap
you’ve been carrying around for years to make you feel just a little bit lighter.

I’ve been doing it for about a month now, and this time it’s much harder than it’s been before. Maybe because I’m not showing up to blab for an hour, but I’m working towards something; what that something is might be the tougher question. I really hate the childhood questions because I wonder which childhood she wants to know about. The happy one or the one that landed me on her couch, both very valid yet each so very separate to who I am today. In a box if you will and apparently that is my problem. The box that I keep myself in, away from anyone who might actually care about me and for what reason is as good as anyone’s guess.

This week’s homework is to tell someone I care about something about my life that makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t think she meant confessing something to my blog. I’m not sure it counts considering there is no way I can see the blogoshpere’s face or hear it’s voice to know if whatever makes me uncomfortable is really ok. That I am just as normal as anyone else, or at least I’m not crazier than anyone else.

I haven’t decided yet what I want to say, or to who but I’ll do it because before I left her office she dared me too. The fact she was smart enough to do that makes me think she’s probably the perfect therapist for me.

I also probably needed to talk today more than I really knew I needed to as well.

Work is stressful, relationships are tricky, and memories are just that, memories.

I needed someone to hear me out loud say that I understand the logic behind what in me needs to grow, to change. The facts are however that I don’t give a damn much when it comes to logic and emotion. I need to do what my instincts have always told me. When things get comfortable change, run. When things seem to good, they are and get out ahead of the disaster coming.

I wonder sometimes where I’d be in life if I didn’t run or push as soon as things seem to settle into
something worth being a part of. I wonder why it is I can’t relax, breathe and just enjoy. Why do I need complicated, tricky? I have no fucking idea but lets home I figure it out before I go broke one session at a time.

*STOMPS FEET*

Can't a girl just have what she wants just because she wants!

WHINE

I won’t try to explain and or justify what I call the Lust/Child relationship. It’s childish at times and last night was one of those times. When we split we made rules of what we would and or wouldn’t do. Now, how we thought we were going to be able to enforce these rules is beyond me, but at the time of our very civil conversation we had reached some far fetched agreements.

Depending on whom you ask I broke first. I guess I didn’t really take all those rules so seriously and maybe interrupted them in my favor. I dunno, but the argument that it caused was retarded and we realized that there are no rules in which we could place on one another EXCEPT the neighborhood clause.

Lust has had the same wine bar for as long as I have known him. I have been there one time and actually before him and I ever met. There is no secret that this bar is his. I would never just at random show up there; actually I don’t think I’d ever go there at all. You can believe however should I ever need to step a foot in the bar, I’d call ahead. Again, this sounds silly but I understand and get having your Cheers.

This being said I was furious/upset/irrational depending on who you ask when I received an email saying that Lust had been in MY WINE BAR. I couldn’t even fathom how it is that he’d even felt right about being there. Again, this isn’t rational and I don’t expect anyone to think it is but this is a two way rule as silly as it sounds. What is HIS belongs to him and I’ve even scheduled things around places that I’d consider his haunts seeing as he lives in a pretty happening part of town. So again hearing him talk about MY wine bar, and having a late dinner at the restaurant that I told him about, the same one he took me to for my birthday totally upset me.

I emailed him exactly how upset I was, and yes I know that MY neighborhood is not one of his usual places although it is near his office, and had he been in any other place in my neighborhood I might have teased him a little and let it go. However, I put my foot down and drew the neighborhood line.

HE has HIS WINE BAR, and I have MY WINE BAR. I totally think mine is better so that helps, but I’m sure he’ll tell you his is great too. (He’s allowed to think whatever he wants; the cheese platter is proof enough that I’m right)

There isn’t any point to this story except for me to say MINE, MINE, and MINE!

My two cents ...

I feel bad when people Google “only child syndrome” and end up here of all places. Not because I think my blog is bad, but because I don’t have any answers in regards to what you do with an only child. This blog was started because I have some of the classic symptoms of what an only child is, but as with the first post of the blog I don’t think I am deficient. Today I was linked by This Blog and his reply to me was funny but it made me take a minute to think about what I have to say about only children as a whole. I will preface all of this as I am no expert, and can only use my own life and other only children I know as a litmus test of what the rest of the world of only children might be like. 

So, if I had any advice to give what would I say? How about quit stressing about it, and raise a child that is respectful, polite and don’t give your only child everything they ever wanted because I promise you someday it will come back to haunt you.

What might be most amusing is that I date a man who has a 12 year old only child. I give him grief about the fact that I can almost pinpoint some of her every moves. There has been many times in which I have said “told you so”. One of our earlier conversations as we decided to become serious was would he ever be open to adoption. The reason I asked was because in a very early conversation he told me that him and his ex-wife only had one child so they could give the child everything they wanted. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that as long as you really don’t give your child everything they want. I stay away from anything that might be considered parenting advice because I’m not a parent, nor am I her parent. That doesn’t mean that I don’t on the other hand tease him of what is to come. The other thing about his 12 year old is very honestly I am scared to death to meet her. I know that might sound funny, but if she was 6 it wouldn’t matter but I remember myself at 12. I remember my parents being divorced, and I especially remember how awful I acted and although I have no reason to believe that would be the case here; it doesn’t mean that it hasn’t crossed my mind.

I can tell you that I never, ever wanted siblings. It’s much in the way that I don’t want to have a paternal child. It just never hit me as something that was missing. If I have to be honest when BMOC came into my life as an adult I had a very hard time adjusting to him and the attention my mom gave him. Now some of that has to do with the fact that my mother didn’t do a lot of those things for me because she wasn’t around, but some of it was also because she had always just been my mom once we were back on track. BMOC has never lived with my mom, but I will say that I was JEALOUS of him for quite some time. It wasn’t until him and I formed our own relationship that I moved past it, and then pushed for my parents to as involved in his life as they could because a lot of my jealousy was based on things that I felt I didn’t get. So, yes I do have a sibling but the age difference and the fact we have never lived together did nothing to improve my only child ways.

The moral of my story is that if you are an only child, there is nothing wrong with you. You can find love and be happy no matter what. Take time to be appreciative of the things you have and the people in your life. It has taken me 30 years to find someone who loves me despite some of my horrible habits. I say if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone.

If you are a parent of an only child I will REPEAT raise them to be the best they can be just as you would do with any child no matter what the number. You really are the driving force and can either improve your only child or hinder them. Parenting is key to all children, but don't bitch 30 years later when your only child still thinks their birthday is a week long event. I can tell you that my parents have just come to accept it.

If you are looking to date an only child, good luck. I won’t even begin to lie about how that in itself is an art and it takes someone who is really not too worried about sharing themselves while waiting patiently for the only child to start to share as well. However if you stick around to when they get to the sharing you’ve made it to the good part, because I refuse to believe that all only children are incapable of loving anyone but themselves.

 

Putting it all out there .....

We all write for different reasons. Each of us that put out a blog with no boundaries or limitations on who can read it, and in a lot of cases who can comment do so because we feel we have something to say. Some of us feel we have something to share, others because they want someone to make them feel good about their lives. I will be honest in the fact that some of my favorite blogs are those that at times make me feel better about my own life. What is it they say about watching a train wreck?

Some bloggers are able to be brutally honest about their lives no matter what might be going on. Dooce happens to be a perfect example of a no bars hold kind of blog and some of us chose to only talk about topics where we feel we might be an expert. Then others like me stick to general life as we see it.

That’s the thing about my blog; when I tell a Smitten, Lust, or MoodyBitch story you only get my side. You get what I thought, what I felt and you either have to believe that is exactly how it happened, or you have to believe that I’m a fucking nut. I can accept both. The truth is that there are times I go back and read posts that I wrote raw in emotion and can see how I swayed it in my favor although not intentional. I think I do a good job of calling myself out, but I can see how one of the people I might write about could totally disagree. The fact is however it’s my blog and my truth is the only truth as far as these pages are concerned.

I think bloggers forget that. I think they get so wrapped up in their blog, the story they are trying to tell, they forget that they paint the picture of what every reader sees. If someone thinks I’m crazy, I’ve probably given them something in which to draw that conclusion. Does it mean I am? No. Does it mean that their opinion isn’t valid? No. The truth is, if they think it then I didn’t do a good job of painting the picture I intended, unless crazy is exactly what I was going for.

As far as being defensive and pulling the you don’t know me comment in a response to something less than positive; well you are 100% correct. A lot of times you don’t know the person whose blog you choose to read so pointing that out doesn’t really make a huge impact on any point trying to be proven. Actually it’s pretty obvious that we don’t know each other, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what you write and how you see yourself. The same can be said in your personal knowledge of me as well.

The fact is we all blog for a reason, but the end result it is because we want someone else to read it; even when we claim over and over again it’s really only for ourselves.

If this is 2009 you can keep it!

I am so sick of being sick! It’s not January 3rd and I’ve yet to leave my apartment except for cold medicine and chicken noodle soup. I also made it to Arby’s for a shake which made my throat feel better for a lil while. I have also done nothing but sleep and watch crappy TV; lots of crappy TV actually.

Smitten is also sick and since our symptoms are some what different we’ve avoided cross contamination. He’s got a whole stomach thing going on, and I’ve got a whole throat thing happening. We probably both have been running fever. When we talked about the New Year, being sick to start things off was not in the game plan.

I wish I could find a place to grab a B12 shot on a Saturday, and should a have maybe tried to see my Dr. yesterday for one. I am getting ready to take the mother of all cold medicine and will get some fake energy in order to get up clean, and run an errand or two. Tonight is FOOTBALL and the best of the four wild card games this weekend, and I want to feel good enough to watch and enjoy. I guess only time will tell.

I’d like to ask that the Universe please back the fuck off, and restore my health so that I can save the last two day of my vacation which has turned in to no kind of vacation at all.