Only-Child Syndrome

No Reason to Whine ...

There is something to be said about change, and this year the change was saving myself the cost of a bottle of Advil and Gatorade.

The two weeks leading up to New Years was especially rough on Smitten and I. We both have very different feelings on New Years Eve and the tension about if we would or wouldn’t be together ate at both of us. We would have these half conversations yet never really decide if we would spend the evening together or not.

Looking back we just weren’t communicating on the whole event in itself and probably caused each other more grief than it should have. The thing that we are both learning is that with a 10 yr age gap, there are some things that we hold very differently, no matter what we see eye to eye on. I was already aware of Smitten’s rough holiday spirit in the first place due to things that have nothing to do with me, but I didn’t get that it could bleed into New Years. I also didn’t take in account that he’s had his fair share of New Years, and big shin digs or even little ones that included the elements of big ones like fancy shoes or something.

What he didn’t understand or take in to consideration is that I’m 10 years younger, a silly girl and didn’t give a damn about getting dressed up. That overall if it was grilled cheese, video games, and cheap champagne it wouldn’t matter. My point for New Years was a way to celebrate the changes in our lives in the past year; the new jobs, the growing relationship. None of it had to do with shiny shoes at all.

All those points once talked out, and an actual plan in place fore the evening became moot when a conference call on Tuesday late in the game came in to play; he was booked on a plane to Denver for NYE. I’ll admit I was mad, but I understand work. I understand the last quarter push, hitting numbers, maxing compensation or barely making the cut. I could be pissed about silly hats and streamers but there was no way I could be upset about work. So my silly girl New Years with the person I love was off the table.

So, what does a girl do when all her “plans” fail and she doesn’t get her way, an only child at that? If she is me then she ends up with her extended family playing with kids, and laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. It was junk food for 10 and Taboo because really what could be better? My family was amazing at being miserable with me, which was their plan on all along.

No, New Years wasn’t anywhere close to a repeat of last year. I was awake at 7 am this morning, no hangover, and no second hand kisses. All in all it wasn’t bad either. It was just another reminder that I am growing up, and what is important one year won’t always be what is important the next.

I’ve got a sick Smitten on a plane headed home now where the hard part will be convincing him to let me feed him Nyquil and force some rest, regardless of which bowl game might be on today.

Another old year turns into another new one ....

I wish that last year I’d written a real New Year’s post on my last blog. Something that I could look back on and see if I really cut the mustard in 2008, but the only thing I really said was “DAMN I’M HOT”. Yes I was feeling VERY shallow come the end of last year.

 So, instead I will highlight 2008 old school bullet style:

• Had my friendship with Lust flourish and fizzle while learning so much about myself. I am lucky to know him, and will be happy when someday we can meet in the middle. Just because I don’t think we can be close friends now doesn’t mean that I don’t look forward the future where we can.

• Changed jobs successfully and upgraded my pay scale. I don’t feel any richer, but the change was much needed. I feel it was a step up even though at times I miss my old job like crazy.
• Continued to further my education and keep my 4.0 in place.
• Got a trainer and at least for a good while kept up a good pace of course the past month I’ve crashed burned, but that’s what is great about New Years and getting to start all over. (I still think I’m hot though, don’t be fooled)
• Turned 30. Nothing else needs to be said.
• Found a real relationship with an amazing man who still believes that mix cd’s make girls swoon,  never calls me cute and thinks football is a religion. (all qualities that I totally lo It’s not always the easiest relationship, but it's not that hard either, although sometimes my posts might not always just say that.

 What will I do in 2009?

• Work on my finances and become more stable even with the economy taking a nose dive.

• Continue to spend time with my trainer and remain healthy. (and HAWT)
• Work hard in school but try to remember to breathe, and not always take myself so seriously.
• Rekindle friendships. There are many people who may not know that I think of them almost everyday and miss them dearly.
• Work on both my emotional and spiritual well being.
  
• Spend more time with my family immediate, and further out. I always want to make sure to spend plenty of time with BMOC before he's grown, and leaving for school.
  
• Continue to build my relationship because any man who throws this on a CD full of other “love songs” makes me smile in ways that I can’t even begin to put in words.
  

 

Happiness & Bliss? The stuff that fairy tales are made of ....

The thing about happiness & bliss is that if every relationship was always rainbows and sunshine we’d all fall in love with the first person we ever dated. It would all be easy and we’d marry at 12 and live happily ever after.

The truth is in the same day you can totally blog about what a g33k your boyfriend is, and how much you love him; later in the day you can totally be on the verge of wanting to kill one another and questioning it all.

Today is one of those days when things are tougher than they normally are, and I have to continue to remind myself again that if it was all easy then there would be no Only-Child and Smitten in the first place. Today is one of those days when you just keep breathing even through the tears.

I know that as hard as is today for both of us, that tomorrow will be another day and we will pick up at happiness and bliss and will be better for the rain of today.

Relationships take a lot of work. A lot more than at times I’ve been prepared to expect or even give but the rewards are worth it. Happiness and bliss might only live forever in fairy tales and candy land, but I've decided that I’ll take my chances with some hard work and the love that grows because of it. At the end of the day that’s the love that makes it thru thick or thin. 

Emotional Vomit (sorry I couldn't think of any other way to describe it)

Today I wrote this long post about pocket dialing, Gemini and Libras and how they compute in my world. I wrote about Lust, and anxiety and I got a lot of my chest. I talked about the fact I just wanted the LAST FUCKING WORD, and good god does he have to be as stubborn as me?

The timing of today’s events were even more so dramatic because my trainer had just asked about Lust yesterday; wanting to know how he was doing, and if I had any good stories. A lot of this has to do with the fact that my trainer will be Lust in years to come and I’ve always told him that.

It’s December and this month of all months I’ve fought the urge to “bump” in to him in some way or form and just make sure he’s alright. I mean I am sure he is, but that doesn’t make me want to know any less, but I haven’t because I also know that there is no point in it.

So this post focused on how the hell did my phone call a number that was deleted over a month ago, and then when I did figure out whom the txt’s were from why it had to end with me questioning why it was HE always needed the last word.

I’ll be honest the post that I wrote, the one that is sitting on my hard drive at work was much more poetic, written with more passion and action words. I also think I said fuck more than once, and used bold font and lots of caps. Yes, you are all missing out on that post but not having that post at my finger tips has caused me to write this post. I’ll admit it’s not that much to read and kind of cryptic if you will. The problem is I still needed to put all of that into words and not for you, but for me, because all day long it has eaten at me to the point I’ve felt sick. So, what do I do when I can’t get that I just ate a corny dog and rode the Love Bug twice feeling? I put it into print for all or none to read, it doesn’t matter. It’s the exercise that makes it better, not really the content.

Yes I’d like my mommy please …

I am sick, and it’s killing me that my mother is sick too. Yes, I wanna go crawl in her bed and have my head patted and sleep for as long as humanly possible. Instead I am home, sick all by myself and keep telling myself that I’m 30 and I’ll survive. I may not actually believe that way deep down, but for today it is my mantra.

YES .. I’m an only child … so sue my PARENTS

Excuse me while I rant.

It should always be remembered that only children are only children because their parents made that choice for one reason or the other. I don’t ever remember at any point in my life my mom or dad coming to me and asking if I had an opinion on whether or not they should bring another child in to the world. It just kind of worked out the way it did and so here I am 30 yrs old, and yes I have traits that SCREAM only child. I am however over the stereo typing. I have goggled only child more than once and some of the things said all over the net are sad. Not all only children fit in a box. Lord knows I’ve been screaming that a lot lately at the new job.

I actually heard this week that I might not make a good mother because of the fact the world must revolve around me. WTF? There are a few facts about only children when it comes to love, and relationships.

In my opinion I need to be with a giver, and in most cases the compatibility usually is with someone who isn’t an only child. I also find myself far more compatible with someone who is older than me as well. I have no idea if that is because I’m an only child, but I’m sure there is someone out there that would be willing to psycho analyzes it. For me personally dating an only child didn’t work but I’m sure that is not a hard fast rule just the way it happened for me. 

Am I am ok with needing to be with someone willing to give and bend? Yes I am but it is a tight rope walk in the fact that I also need someone willing to call me out on my actions. This isn’t a secret and any man I’ve ever dated has been told this exact thing. I don’t hide behind being an only child as an excuse for my actions. I can be selfish, I am needy, and I will throw out my bottom lip if I think it will get me something I really want. I don’t really care if I ever out grow all of those things, because a lot of times they are more out of fun than anything else. Although, there is no denying that some of it is pure emotion and in those cases I work very quickly to put myself back in check. 

 There is however no blue print of what I will be like as a wife, let a lone a mother but there is no denying that how I was brought up will come into play. That is also to say there is not a blue print for how someone else who had siblings will turn out either. What I’d really like people see however is that I am kind, generous, and overall a good person and that will also lend itself to my role as a wife or mother? In the end when it comes to me and being an only child it doesn’t really have to be all about me and my world, sometimes I just need to feel like it is.

As it all comes to an end ...

As NaBloMo comes to an end I was wondering how I would finish up my thirty days of rambling, then thanks to Down To Earth Momma I had my answer. I would pander to unknown bloggers in a give away. As a side note however, if you haven’t read DTE’s blog, you should run over and do so no! Over the past month there has been plenty to make me appreciate her blog. Plus her comments on the Eagles really put some things in perspective for me.

Unbeknownst to me HP has enlisted a group of bloggers in a contest to give away a ton of computers in an effort to have people share the magic. I think this is an amazing idea and I knew exactly who I would share the gift with should I win. That being said I entered over at Thoughts on Poetics and Tech. What I wasn’t aware of when I headed over was that I would find such an eclectic blog filled with posts about technology, feminism, and poetry. A rare breed if I do say, or maybe I’m just lazy and haven’t looked that hard.

Parts of the rules say I must link back to the post that I decided to comment on, which I will do in just a second. The thing that stood out to me about this post is that I know that if I had read the Bitch Manifesto sooner, or even had known it existed it might have changed my self esteem of sorts, and made me feel like less of oddity by my family and those people I worked with. So for any woman who doesn’t know it I suggest you follow my link and put yourself in the know, then run out and find the entire thing as I pretty sure that there is much to be gained by it.

To those who read my blog in honor of NaBloPoMo thank you. I hope you stick around, but if not I’m sure we will bump into each other again, maybe as soon as next November. To those who posted blog rolls for NaBloPoMo it is because of you I need to update my blogs I’m currently reading list.

 

I'm THANKFUL for :

This year I can say I am simply thankful for everything. I whine, I complain, and life is never ever what I want it to be, but at the end of the day I have everything to be thankful for.

The friends I have made, and become closer with in the past year. I am not sure that it gets said enough but I do have some amazing friends. The past year there hasn’t be a challenge in my life that I haven’t been able to turn to them for guidance and support.

Turning 30. This year I got an amazing three day production of birthday festivities each one special in their own way. Another reason to admit just how lucky I am.

My family. I may not say it enough but I am extremely thankful for my family paternal and otherwise.

The job that I hate and love all at the same time.

My relationship with Smitten. It’s been an interesting, trying and challenging past few months but all in the ways that that help you grow as a person. I am thankful that we have taken the time to work through the problems one by one, and continue to work through the tough spots and enjoy the really good.

Lastly I am thankful for this video, because GOD that was when MTV and the Music Awards hadn’t totally jumped the shark.

Is it REALLY that time again?

I can’t believe that this semester is almost over, and it’s time to register for Spring classes. I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to become a student, but I wish I could take it back RIGHT NOW!

It’s not that I don’t LOVE going to school because I do. I thrive on the learning new stuff, and getting A’s. I mean I’m obsessive with who got what on a test, or a paper, and yes I am in competition with EVERYONE in my class, even if they aren’t aware of it. That’s how competitive I am. It’s also my motto to not half-ass anything while I’m at it.

I am kind of actually excited about the classes that I have decided to take. I will have two repeat professors. One who I loved, and I think overall thought I was a smart cookie. One that couldn’t stand me, even loathed me, but at the same time he taught me math and I got an A. I can put up with his Yankee ass if it means that I get an A and learn something. It also helps that I kind of like that he’s the first professor I have had to date that openly detests me.

I am bummed that my school girl crush has already taken one of the classes I’m looking at, because it’s always more fun when we are in class together. I could risk the fact that the professor I like is going to teach Creative Writing again and take his American Lit class which is also taught by the same professor. They are both Saturday classes, and well I think it would be a little stalkerish to take both of his classes which brings up another topic; Saturday class.

I am giving up Friday nights once again to take a Saturday class. It is totally the plight of a working student. Since starting school I have missed more happy hours than I care to count, and it’s not the alcohol I miss, but there is much networking done on Friday afternoons at the local wine bar, or Blue Mesa and I miss out on all of it.

I keep telling myself that one day my 10 year plan is going to pay off dividends; either that or I’m getting a suggardaddy.com profile before I’m too old to be considered.

Accidents Happen ...

I was in an accident tonight. I am sore, but I think overall I will be fine. It seems like a wake up call of some sort. I am a glass half empty kind of girl, and tonight proves exactly why. When it was all over and I was safely inside my own walls I started thinking about my entire life, and how it doesn’t measure to where I want it to, and how this accident was just another example of steps backwards.

I know that I am probably being over dramatic as there are many people with many more issues than me, but that doesn’t mean that right now I don’t feel totally alone in my struggles. This is exactly when being an only child kicks in. This is where I feel the world should be all about me, and that someone should be more than willing to draw me a bath, and tell me it will be ok when I cry.

That is the thing about being an only child that sucks the most. The attention at times you feel you need. It isn’t an all the time thing, but every now and then it’s probably more needed than the average person. I do nothing small.

If I haven’t said it in a long time, it’s nights like these I miss Lust the most. Not because he could fix it, or even make it better, but just because he knows. It’s the knowing part that makes the rest so much easier. It sucks to have to let go of something or someone so important to have something like this happen and them be the person you feel would understand the most. Not the action itself, but the way you feel deep down and never judge you for it. Not even a little bit.

Is my word over? It feels like it right now. Is that me being dramatic, and making an mountain out of a mole hill? Probably so, but in my head and my world my glass just got kicked over.