Rule:
To be in total control or command; exercise supreme authority.
To prevail at a particular level or rate: Prices ruled low.
To formulate and issue a decree or decision.
Slang. To be excellent or superior: That new video game rules!
When I was
younger I always had a tough time following the rules. I think it probably had
to do a lot with being raised by my grandmother until I was almost 12. I lived
with my grandparents from first grade through sixth and only ever really
remember being in trouble one time. That isn’t to say that I got away with
murder, but there was little discipline. I wasn’t a bad kid, and apparently
things my grandmother would have killed my mother for just were not issues to
her as she grew older. I have heard even my mother use that logic today when
speaking about Big Man on Campus IE: my step-brother.
Apparently, once you’ve grown older as a parent you become more tolerant with things. Things that once would have driven my grandmother up the wall about my mom had very little bearing on how she felt when I did them. I can remember arguments when my mother would visit because I’d do something she didn’t approve of. My grandmother would have my back telling my mother to quit being so in an uproar, it was only “this or that”. I can only imagine that drove my mother nutz, and so when I did come to live with her those years later there were times she could be quite the Nazi. From the age of 13 until 16 I pretty much stayed grounded. I don’t think I was really a bad kid, at least not yet. I just feel my mother was trying to over compensate and therefore I spent a lot of time in my room with no TV, or radio. This of course drives me insane now! Mostly because as I type this BMOC is grounded as well. He however has not lost his cell phone, or myspace privileges. (yes at 29 I am jealous of his little ass, I said it)
All of that brings me to me now as a grown up. I need rules, and actually thrive when they are in place. It is not that I have a lack of self control; it’s honestly that for so many years of my life I was tired and fed up, so I lived in the gray. My cousin would cover for me when we were younger and wanted to stay out past curfew. When we would finally get home, or her mom showed up to drag us home she would very simply say she lied to me about us having permission to stay out. This little rouse worked its fair share of times even. The logic was simple: If I didn’t know that I was breaking the rules, how could I be in trouble for them? It was this kind of thinking that I have had ever since. Again, it’s not about knowing right from wrong, it’s about being able to justify the circumstances; something I’ve become a pro at. It’s this kind of thinking, the living in the gray if you will that has played a huge role in any relationships I’ve had in the past. I am an act now, pay later kind of girl. It’s not easy for me to ask before acting. I would much rather do as I please and pay the piper in the end. There is a good chance with just the right fact, I might not really have to pay to much at all, making it all so much more appealing.
Yesterday while sitting patio side with WanderLust we talked about rules, and how I even more so needed them in my own eyes. How black and white suit me, and gray only confuses or complicates thing. I need rules even more so in a relationship, and need someone strong enough to stand behind any idle threats they may make when the rules are called into question. At the same time I need someone, everyone to understand that my rule breaking is not always about being insensitive, or selfish. Sometimes, it is very simply that I forget to stop and ask myself how it would make me feel if someone did the same thing to me. Or even worse, sometimes I forget to stop and ask myself who my actions might offend or hurt. It’s not that I mean to be insensitive, or run over anyone; only child or not. Sometimes my actions are very black and white, and other times my whole demeanor is gray.
Growing up an only child doesn’t make these things ok, nor does it justify my lack of concern for others. It is only just another piece of the puzzle to recovery, and to being as “normal” as anyone else.
