Only-Child Syndrome

Which one?

Which hurts worse ... a broken bone or a broken hurt?

Being a lone or being lonely?

Doing the right thing or being right?

Tool ... Before & After

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.
Alive, I

Tool has always been someone else’s band. They once belonged to Phuz, Mueller, and most recently Wanderlust. They are a band I’ve always appreciated it, rocked to when played but never ever felt like there was a chapter in my life that they filled.

Tonight I stood with three good friends knowing that Wanderlust was somewhere in the same venue and knowing that some of what I would hear would be music that I saw threw his eyes more so than anyone I know. The part I didn’t expect is when those words would take over and no longer would they belong to him or anyone else; no they actually depicted me and my life. Tool finally told a story all of my own.

I now also own a brand new pair of boy shorts and a t-shirt (thanks 5’10”) and it’s not because someone else will enjoy them, but because I no longer need a boy to field Tool for me. Tonight I came full circle with a band I have listened to for years, but tonight in that small theater I HEARD them, and hearing them for the first time made them mine.

 

 

Hey LOOK I remember I still have a blog ...

I thought that after school was out and my aunt passed that I would find words again in a different way. I have still postponed finishing the project that I started in my class last semester as I’m  not sure enough time has passed to get the words just right.

As stuck in my head as I am I figured I’d be post after post almost daily as there really is so much going on?  Instead I’m blocked and my sleep is paying the price. I need a mental and emotional dump and would say today I got pretty close although it didn’t do enough to make me want to write.

This post in itself is just me saying nothing more but I haven’t abandoned my blog as much as the words that fuel it have abandoned me. I know they’ll be back and I’ve even considered 100 word drabbles for a while just so that I’m actively putting something in writing. If you don’t know what a drabble is, you’ll see. I don’t know how well it works for “creative  non-fiction” but we can give it a try and see if slowly the urge to fill a page comes back to me.

So yes I am alive. I still know how to type. I still have stories to share. I just don’t have any means of getting to them right this second. Don’t give up on me just yet.

Almost time for the closing credits ....

I’ve written about the fact that I created a set of creative non-fiction during the school year that focused on Illness, Death, and God based very simply on my Aunt’s battle of cancer. There is still one more act left to those writings and they started to come together tonight as my mother started a hospice suggested coma to help my Aunt get through the next hours and the pain they can bring.

When I wake up tomorrow I hope the chapter has ended. I know that this site  was never intended to be a muse for such seriousness and  so I will share a conversation I had with my mother before I left about the fact that I would indeed  be using my blog for immediate therapy ….

“You have always been able to write, and I could never do anything that creative.”

“Yes, but I can’t punctuate for shit, so I’d need to be good enough that a publishing company would be willing to edit and correct my spelling.”

“Well I always wished you’d have grown up to be a writer.”

“Wished?”

“Mom you know that writing isn’t like stripping right?” “I mean no one is going to make me work the day shift because I’m too old.”

My mom laughed for just a minute and that made me feel like I had given something valuable besides the meal I cooked tonight. I hope that I can continue to bring her little laughs as life is about to nose dive, and we all forgot our chutes.

Still breathing ....

I wanted to start writing about a normal summer life. Beer, sand, and plenty of trips but life decided against. I talked about my semester of writing and it looks like life is about to write my last chapter of my portfolio of illness, religion, and god. Death is going to be added to the mix and because my head is so wrapped around the events paining me such as my aunt preparing to pass I am having a hard time thinking of anything creative.

My mother turned 51 and I swore a text was all she was going to get, but instead I learned of hospice and went and sat and just watched my sit and watch.

Smitten has been gone for so long that it makes my heart ache, and I am counting the  minutes until his plane lands. I need a strong shoulder right now and I know that his can carry the weight.

I am still looking forward to dinner with Lust and getting an update on the adventures of Wondergrl. There is also my dad’s birthday and father’s day to look forward to where I will break out some culinary skill for the masses.

Numerouno will be celebrating his birthday this week and I have yet to decide if I am ready for dinner just yet. We spoke a few times this weekend but with everything going on with my aunt I have to be careful to not let him carry me. He knows my family, my aunt, and it would be so easy to get caught up in that familiarity and forget that we are where we are because of his past actions. Our friendship has to be rebuilt in a slow fashion and his birthday might be a little too soon.

In other news I am still a rockstar at work and thank goodness for that. It’s enough to keep me busy without going completely insane right now. It kept me grounded today and I only found myself in tears once.

So yeah, I apologize no happy stories to report just yet.

*whistles* HE WON!

Nope, Not Dead ....

It’s been over a month since I have written anything that didn’t deal with drugs, death, or religion. I actually have a whole portfolio from this semester filled with three very different views of my life and my memories both current and old. It’s hard to sit here and not take myself so serious but that is exactly what I need.

Everything these days feels so serious and it’s really starting to change my outlook on many things. Things are getting serious at work, and even though I’m the new company ROCKSTAR it almost feels like a grown up job and I am just not ready for that. I still have so much school left and the balancing act has to be one of perfection.

My relationship with Smitten has been serious, and lately it has been serious rocks. We are strained with his travel schedule, my impending family stress and the things that so easily made us laugh have lost their luster. I know this is the growing pains part and I am ok with that. I just really wish they would have waited until everything else in my life had settled.

I am happy to report that if there is one person I can count on to not give me the serious it’s Lust. His birthday is coming up and I am so excited I can barely stand it. We haven’t seen each other since October and even though we have our txt messages, and very irregular catch up phone calls I know that I can count on him to make me laugh until I cry.  I need some of that laughter and I know his birthday will provide just that. I was also smart enough to make him agree to dinner a month in advance because Wanderlust might soon have a Wondergrl and well you know how couples and birthdays are. That is all I’m going to say about that because I don’t want to jinx any goodness that might be on the horizon for him.

I’d like to give more of an insight of the serious but it just wears me out thinking about it. My mother turns 51 in 3 days and we aren’t even speaking.

Numerouno (who is making his first appearance here/ i.e. first love) has come back into my life amongst a whirl wind of his own drama. I swear just every now and then if the men in my life would listen to me they’d save themselves some drama, heartache, and cash. Why he’s back, what he wants, and the things I’ve learned about things that happened 10 years ago will be a story for another day. All of the events are very relevant.

Tomorrow I have to travel and the only real purpose of this post was to make me write something so anyone still reading knows that it’s summer and I hope to fill the next two months as often as I can with posts about silly good times.

 

 

I don't have any words right now ...

Friday Fixxx

Post # 200

So this is what 200 mind numbing, barely coherent posts feel like. I think at times my head feels a little lighter which was what the purpose of this blog was supposed to be all about in the first place.

Right now I don’t have any sunshiny news to share, but I can tell you that Chris Rock Kill The Messenger ends with one of the best swallowing jokes I think I may have ever heard. I can’t wait to be around a group of people where that kind of conversation is totally appropriate.

I mean I Netflixed it so it’s a little out of context because the elections has passed, but the material was still hilarious. Of course through all the white vs. black jokes, and women being pissed off about their men dating the opposite race, Chris Rock like no other brings blow job humor to a whole other level and this was no different.

Yes 200 posts and this is how I’m capping them off blow jobs, and swallowing.

What was the joke? Well I don’t know if you’re the kind of person who’d enjoy that kind of humor so you’ll have to go find the DVD yourself.