Only-Child Syndrome

Tool ... Before & After

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.
Alive, I

Tool has always been someone else’s band. They once belonged to Phuz, Mueller, and most recently Wanderlust. They are a band I’ve always appreciated it, rocked to when played but never ever felt like there was a chapter in my life that they filled.

Tonight I stood with three good friends knowing that Wanderlust was somewhere in the same venue and knowing that some of what I would hear would be music that I saw threw his eyes more so than anyone I know. The part I didn’t expect is when those words would take over and no longer would they belong to him or anyone else; no they actually depicted me and my life. Tool finally told a story all of my own.

I now also own a brand new pair of boy shorts and a t-shirt (thanks 5’10”) and it’s not because someone else will enjoy them, but because I no longer need a boy to field Tool for me. Tonight I came full circle with a band I have listened to for years, but tonight in that small theater I HEARD them, and hearing them for the first time made them mine.

 

 

Hey LOOK I remember I still have a blog ...

I thought that after school was out and my aunt passed that I would find words again in a different way. I have still postponed finishing the project that I started in my class last semester as I’m  not sure enough time has passed to get the words just right.

As stuck in my head as I am I figured I’d be post after post almost daily as there really is so much going on?  Instead I’m blocked and my sleep is paying the price. I need a mental and emotional dump and would say today I got pretty close although it didn’t do enough to make me want to write.

This post in itself is just me saying nothing more but I haven’t abandoned my blog as much as the words that fuel it have abandoned me. I know they’ll be back and I’ve even considered 100 word drabbles for a while just so that I’m actively putting something in writing. If you don’t know what a drabble is, you’ll see. I don’t know how well it works for “creative  non-fiction” but we can give it a try and see if slowly the urge to fill a page comes back to me.

So yes I am alive. I still know how to type. I still have stories to share. I just don’t have any means of getting to them right this second. Don’t give up on me just yet.

Nope, Not Dead ....

It’s been over a month since I have written anything that didn’t deal with drugs, death, or religion. I actually have a whole portfolio from this semester filled with three very different views of my life and my memories both current and old. It’s hard to sit here and not take myself so serious but that is exactly what I need.

Everything these days feels so serious and it’s really starting to change my outlook on many things. Things are getting serious at work, and even though I’m the new company ROCKSTAR it almost feels like a grown up job and I am just not ready for that. I still have so much school left and the balancing act has to be one of perfection.

My relationship with Smitten has been serious, and lately it has been serious rocks. We are strained with his travel schedule, my impending family stress and the things that so easily made us laugh have lost their luster. I know this is the growing pains part and I am ok with that. I just really wish they would have waited until everything else in my life had settled.

I am happy to report that if there is one person I can count on to not give me the serious it’s Lust. His birthday is coming up and I am so excited I can barely stand it. We haven’t seen each other since October and even though we have our txt messages, and very irregular catch up phone calls I know that I can count on him to make me laugh until I cry.  I need some of that laughter and I know his birthday will provide just that. I was also smart enough to make him agree to dinner a month in advance because Wanderlust might soon have a Wondergrl and well you know how couples and birthdays are. That is all I’m going to say about that because I don’t want to jinx any goodness that might be on the horizon for him.

I’d like to give more of an insight of the serious but it just wears me out thinking about it. My mother turns 51 in 3 days and we aren’t even speaking.

Numerouno (who is making his first appearance here/ i.e. first love) has come back into my life amongst a whirl wind of his own drama. I swear just every now and then if the men in my life would listen to me they’d save themselves some drama, heartache, and cash. Why he’s back, what he wants, and the things I’ve learned about things that happened 10 years ago will be a story for another day. All of the events are very relevant.

Tomorrow I have to travel and the only real purpose of this post was to make me write something so anyone still reading knows that it’s summer and I hope to fill the next two months as often as I can with posts about silly good times.

 

 

Happy No-Versary !

SuperBowl Sunday always makes me giggle.

There is NO way I could avoid posting this ...

Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
The brisk days and alcohol-fueled nights of midwinter may have you thinking wistfully (or lustfully) about romantic days gone by, perhaps culminating in a phone call or e-mail to a lost love. Mercury might motivate you to attempt contact with an ex, but be sure not to overshoot your boundaries: Even a planet can't keep you from making a fool out of yourself.

Feels a little Ominous (January 07,2009)

A dual-natured person from the past's back on the scene. Don't let them bother you.

I'd love to stay and chat ...

I am happy to report that I am a VERY lucky girl, and I’d love to stick around and tell you all about it but I have an evening of unknowns to get to and absolutely nothing to wear.

I hope you all have a great weekend and I’ll try to post something of substance next week!   

Emotional Vomit (sorry I couldn't think of any other way to describe it)

Today I wrote this long post about pocket dialing, Gemini and Libras and how they compute in my world. I wrote about Lust, and anxiety and I got a lot of my chest. I talked about the fact I just wanted the LAST FUCKING WORD, and good god does he have to be as stubborn as me?

The timing of today’s events were even more so dramatic because my trainer had just asked about Lust yesterday; wanting to know how he was doing, and if I had any good stories. A lot of this has to do with the fact that my trainer will be Lust in years to come and I’ve always told him that.

It’s December and this month of all months I’ve fought the urge to “bump” in to him in some way or form and just make sure he’s alright. I mean I am sure he is, but that doesn’t make me want to know any less, but I haven’t because I also know that there is no point in it.

So this post focused on how the hell did my phone call a number that was deleted over a month ago, and then when I did figure out whom the txt’s were from why it had to end with me questioning why it was HE always needed the last word.

I’ll be honest the post that I wrote, the one that is sitting on my hard drive at work was much more poetic, written with more passion and action words. I also think I said fuck more than once, and used bold font and lots of caps. Yes, you are all missing out on that post but not having that post at my finger tips has caused me to write this post. I’ll admit it’s not that much to read and kind of cryptic if you will. The problem is I still needed to put all of that into words and not for you, but for me, because all day long it has eaten at me to the point I’ve felt sick. So, what do I do when I can’t get that I just ate a corny dog and rode the Love Bug twice feeling? I put it into print for all or none to read, it doesn’t matter. It’s the exercise that makes it better, not really the content.

Looking within ...

It’s funny how easy it is to feel resentment when we feel we have lost something that meant so much to us, even if it never actually belonged to us at all.

How in your mind you can paint the pictures in perfect color and remember each emotion you felt, but if you look closely and are really honest with yourself then it becomes clear there was nothing there to lose. Not because those days didn’t happen, but because no one can take those memories and emotions from us.

People don’t fade in our minds, if anything it’s the only place they can live perfect forever. Yes, times may change, lives may grow but the foundation of what made it all so beautiful and special is still there; even when a true loss is encountered.

It’s much of how I remember life before my grandmother passed, or how I remember high school before I was a delinquent. It’s been proved in my life by being blessed by family with no blood relations, and it’s celebrated in friendships that span the years. It has also told the stories of unintentional bonds.

I have to remind myself of this when I get angry for all the people, and things I don’t have in my life any longer. When the anger gets to be too much and it’s easier to blame someone else instead of looking within. I have also worked on reminding myself that I am more whole because of the relationships I have had; not less complete because they aren’t what they once were.

Food for Thought ?

Is it better to never hear the words I love you, but always feel wanted and important in a persons life; or hear the words often and never feel wanted or important?