Only-Child Syndrome

I don't do well with change ....

  am not one for change. Well let me take that back, I don't do well with change that doesn't benefit me in some way shape or form. This has nothing to do with wanting my own way as it does with being obsessed with routine and habit. I am a creature that thrives in it, lives for and now that the past months have been nothing but change and with more on the way I have to admit I am more than a little freaked out.

When I lost my job I didn't lose all my hope only my trainer and it took me at least two months before I had gained weight, started smoking AGAIN, and decided that booze could solve all. That is how easily I can fall back to an old comfortable and even 23 yr old pattern because really when unemployed what is there to do? I started this slip and just hung out in the gutter if you will for a while. Of course I wanted a job, needed a job, but there was something comforting about the fact that I had no responsibility; or none that I could afford anyway. Which is why I should have been EXCITED when my new job came along and it was so easy to pick back my routine.

At least that is what I thought.

Instead I am miserable; trainer back and all. I have quit smoking which I miss dearly if for no other reason than it gave me something to do. I guess when I quit a couple of years ago I was so busy with school, men/man and other rand tidbits that I didn't have time to be a smoke but now that I have been reduced to a job that any 18 yr old could do that I crave vices like red wine, Parliament lights and Three Musketeer bars. 

However, don't let me fool you to be working is an ends to a mean and if you listen to Smitten whose half glass full nonsense drives me nuts, all I have to do is SUCK IT UP for six months and the company is mine. BIG plans for me and all, and he might be right. I have heard as much from upper management but it doesn't make me want to slit my wrists any less these days. 

Speaking of change and a big one at that Smitten and I or maybe I have decided we should live together. When I say "I" It's not that have forced the issue. No we've had very grown up and mature conversations on the subject it's just that when they were only conversations we had over and over again that I had to draw a line in the sand somewhere. So in exactly 3 weeks we are supposed to start cohabiting. Honestly it's time to put the relationship to the test but at the same time I am expecting him to call me in 2 weeks and say he just can't do it. WHY? Probably because as I have said all along he wasn't ready to date when we started this, and that is ok or at least it was until we began inching between the two year mark and 
I see him even less than I did when we started dating. If it wasn't for all the traveling he did for work and me knowing it was legit, or knowing that he really does love me I would have already bailed. 

So yes there is more change to come in my life, more routines that need to be created. NO NO NO, not the Parliament lights but instead school and a new desire to SUCK IT UP and make it through this entry level position that I arrive at before the crack of dawn so that I can leave as the sun is setting. (yes another habit and work ethic problem I have) 

Yes this only child is drowning in change, when all I really want is a Sunday on a couch with some bad tv and maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. 

Wish me luck, and keep ya posted ....

Goodbye 2009; you will not be missed ...

I wrote this last night on my facebook and remembered OMG I have a blog; I bet you all thought I had forgotten about it. 

 So today you get yesterdays post, but starting tomorrow you'll get something witty, funny, embersassing, and plain and simple unedited. Why you ask? Well if I started to learn to use comas, colons, and semi-colons correctly would you love me more? If so .... you are just TOO shallow :)

_______________________________

It only seems fitting that I start writing again one day before the New Year. 2009 was a year that sucked so much energy out of me that even something as soul cleansing as writing lost it’s touch and instead I think the year swallowed me whole and left me empty. In no particular order I’d like to say goodbye to some things that were hard to let go, move on, and get past but have fueled my drive for the 2010 year and all it should bring …

To Wanderlust:  who I will forever love. He was my best friend, my rock and it sucks that no matter how good we ever were that when the day came that I needed him he’d fail me. It’s hard to look at yourself and say “I’m his crutch” but in the end that is what proved to be true. He’s an amazing man and taught me so much about myself and got me writing again in the first place however when all I wanted to do was drunk dial him and yell about how much energy seemed wasted; well the writing was on the wall. Our memories will always be with me, and for that I am thankful and wouldn’t change anything. Our paths may even cross again, but we will never be the same and to those days I say goodbye.

To the job: that I killed myself on a daily basis only to learn within the first few months the cards were stacked against me. To the IT department that I fought with tooth and nail for each client I had I bid you farewell. Not every memory will be bad as I met some wonderful people, but if I learned anything it is no matter how good you may be at your job if someone wants you gone and they have enough power; it will happen.

To my Aunt who passed: The love that she had for our family and myself her horse; she will be thought of lots but I say goodbye to the grief and move on to happier memories of her life. To the thoughts of cold nights, and bunk beds with my cousin chadder mc chadderson, and of her ready to beat up my boyfriend of 17 because she thought he was cheating on me. Yes, goodbye to the body with cancer that took her away from us. For now she lives stronger and better somewhere else, somewhere better.

Goodbye to the me: Who never feels accepted yet craves acceptance  by everyone and accepting it is nothing but a pipe dream. Instead it will be a year of being ok with myself and loving every minute of being me. Goodbye to the haters who don’t get that I am selfish at times, spoiled at others, but if you take even a moment to get to know me that I am full of love for everyone. This only childsyndrome is easy to break ... 

To 2010 a year full of change physically, mentally and spiritually. Please let it be good to all of us and please inspire me to fill these pages again .. so much to say as always ;) 

Which one?

Which hurts worse ... a broken bone or a broken hurt?

Being a lone or being lonely?

Doing the right thing or being right?

Still breathing ....

I wanted to start writing about a normal summer life. Beer, sand, and plenty of trips but life decided against. I talked about my semester of writing and it looks like life is about to write my last chapter of my portfolio of illness, religion, and god. Death is going to be added to the mix and because my head is so wrapped around the events paining me such as my aunt preparing to pass I am having a hard time thinking of anything creative.

My mother turned 51 and I swore a text was all she was going to get, but instead I learned of hospice and went and sat and just watched my sit and watch.

Smitten has been gone for so long that it makes my heart ache, and I am counting the  minutes until his plane lands. I need a strong shoulder right now and I know that his can carry the weight.

I am still looking forward to dinner with Lust and getting an update on the adventures of Wondergrl. There is also my dad’s birthday and father’s day to look forward to where I will break out some culinary skill for the masses.

Numerouno will be celebrating his birthday this week and I have yet to decide if I am ready for dinner just yet. We spoke a few times this weekend but with everything going on with my aunt I have to be careful to not let him carry me. He knows my family, my aunt, and it would be so easy to get caught up in that familiarity and forget that we are where we are because of his past actions. Our friendship has to be rebuilt in a slow fashion and his birthday might be a little too soon.

In other news I am still a rockstar at work and thank goodness for that. It’s enough to keep me busy without going completely insane right now. It kept me grounded today and I only found myself in tears once.

So yeah, I apologize no happy stories to report just yet.

Honestly ... Nothing is wrong

It’s been almost two years since I’ve felt this helpless, hopeless, and absolutely unhappy. There is NOTHING wrong. Let me repeat that for anyone not listening; NOTHING WRONG!!! Well almost nothing, telling someone over and over and over that nothing is wrong you are just “sad” and they continue to try and find the fix, well that can just piss you off.

I am so annoyed with those I love the most, and that is the most frustrating part. Certain voices feel like nails on a chalkboard, and nothing ANYONE can do can solve it. That’s the maddening part for all the “fixers” in my life.

What is really hard is that it has been two years since I felt like I was being sucked in a black hole. My mother’s upside was that it’s been two years!! I mean that’s so much better than I when I was younger, but I feel like FUCK it’s been two years, and again here we are.

The person I feel the most for is Smitten. I am pretty sure more than once I have told him to R U N while he can. I feel bad that he wants to fix it, make it better and it kills me that all I do is snap at him. I’ve sorrta explained where I am, but I know it does nothing for him. He understands, but doesn’t.

I talked to my mother today who probably felt the same frustration that Smitten feels right now years ago when this whole adventure. She said she remembers how irritable I was, and how all she wanted to do was ANYTHING to make me happy; even for a minute.

It will take a little while to get this under control but until then I am working really hard on not imploding me, or my relationship.

One day at a time, or some random cliché like that …

Music has meaning ...

When I listened to this song today at work over and over, I totally forgot how much I thought it was the perfect go your own way song...

I wanted to write a real post about it, but I wanted to get it on a page while it was still fresh.

Everyone needs a good breakup song, and I think this one has all the misconceptions of a perfect breakup right along with all the words you want to say, or the words you can't find at all.

Hello Stranger ...

It has been a while since I’ve written anything that was for me. Something that wasn’t going to be graded and or discussed like I wasn’t in the room, although those things don’t bother me they don’t give me the satisfaction that writing like this with errors and all does. *see there is probably all kinds of errors in that last lil bit (won’t call it a sentence) and I don’t care because well you are the internet and not my professor*

Life has been interesting, hard, confusing and the only thoughts that I really had this morning is that Duke lost to Villanova and I wanted to do a victory dance is Wanderlust’s living room. It’s the little things that keep me going, instead of the big things like dropping out of math that keep me down.

Smitten and I are just that; smitten. I don’t even know where to begin except that we’ve now been to therapy together. OMG, no we aren’t breaking up. I swear if I get asked one more time what is wrong I’ll start making up all the reasons couples go to therapy like I dunno “I think he might be gay?”, or “I think maybe I’m gay?.”

No, all is well and the therapy is really just foundation in learning to communicate because while I can tell you everything you’ll ever need to know in a day or two,  he needs time to think about it, mull it over and maybe he’ll actually figure out why he did or didn’t do what he said.

 I know it was hard for him; I could see it as soon as he picked me up and could tell by the silence on the way home but last night we really talked about the session itself. (Note we’ve already started doing the things that were suggested as a way to learn even better communication skills) He said that he didn’t know it would be that hard, told his own therapist that even, and in return his therapist was impressed he even went.

If it’s been said once, it’s been said a million times he really cares about me and it shows when he does things that is so out of his norm. The hard part for me is that I always want more. It’s not that I want him to do more; it’s just that telling me a childhood story is not the same as sharing your life. I know I sound greedy, but I AM.

The more I get the more I want. I’m sorry folks it is, what it is. I don’t plan on changing that much in the way I don’t plan on changing. The simple fact/facts are that every time Kyle Busch EVER wins a race, or Duke EVER loses in the BIG DANCE I am going to want to do one helluva a victory dance in Lust’s living room, and that in itself make me … well ME.

However, the fact is I’ve grown enough and continue to grow and learn and even at times ACCEPT that it’s never going to be all my way. Also, as an FYI should it EVER be all about me the entire world should worry. I think I’d make Hillary look like Glenda the Good Witch.

No, I understand that life is about give and take, and right now I should be more worried about what I’ve been given instead of taking what I have not.

 

There is NO way I could avoid posting this ...

Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
The brisk days and alcohol-fueled nights of midwinter may have you thinking wistfully (or lustfully) about romantic days gone by, perhaps culminating in a phone call or e-mail to a lost love. Mercury might motivate you to attempt contact with an ex, but be sure not to overshoot your boundaries: Even a planet can't keep you from making a fool out of yourself.

My two cents ...

I feel bad when people Google “only child syndrome” and end up here of all places. Not because I think my blog is bad, but because I don’t have any answers in regards to what you do with an only child. This blog was started because I have some of the classic symptoms of what an only child is, but as with the first post of the blog I don’t think I am deficient. Today I was linked by This Blog and his reply to me was funny but it made me take a minute to think about what I have to say about only children as a whole. I will preface all of this as I am no expert, and can only use my own life and other only children I know as a litmus test of what the rest of the world of only children might be like. 

So, if I had any advice to give what would I say? How about quit stressing about it, and raise a child that is respectful, polite and don’t give your only child everything they ever wanted because I promise you someday it will come back to haunt you.

What might be most amusing is that I date a man who has a 12 year old only child. I give him grief about the fact that I can almost pinpoint some of her every moves. There has been many times in which I have said “told you so”. One of our earlier conversations as we decided to become serious was would he ever be open to adoption. The reason I asked was because in a very early conversation he told me that him and his ex-wife only had one child so they could give the child everything they wanted. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that as long as you really don’t give your child everything they want. I stay away from anything that might be considered parenting advice because I’m not a parent, nor am I her parent. That doesn’t mean that I don’t on the other hand tease him of what is to come. The other thing about his 12 year old is very honestly I am scared to death to meet her. I know that might sound funny, but if she was 6 it wouldn’t matter but I remember myself at 12. I remember my parents being divorced, and I especially remember how awful I acted and although I have no reason to believe that would be the case here; it doesn’t mean that it hasn’t crossed my mind.

I can tell you that I never, ever wanted siblings. It’s much in the way that I don’t want to have a paternal child. It just never hit me as something that was missing. If I have to be honest when BMOC came into my life as an adult I had a very hard time adjusting to him and the attention my mom gave him. Now some of that has to do with the fact that my mother didn’t do a lot of those things for me because she wasn’t around, but some of it was also because she had always just been my mom once we were back on track. BMOC has never lived with my mom, but I will say that I was JEALOUS of him for quite some time. It wasn’t until him and I formed our own relationship that I moved past it, and then pushed for my parents to as involved in his life as they could because a lot of my jealousy was based on things that I felt I didn’t get. So, yes I do have a sibling but the age difference and the fact we have never lived together did nothing to improve my only child ways.

The moral of my story is that if you are an only child, there is nothing wrong with you. You can find love and be happy no matter what. Take time to be appreciative of the things you have and the people in your life. It has taken me 30 years to find someone who loves me despite some of my horrible habits. I say if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone.

If you are a parent of an only child I will REPEAT raise them to be the best they can be just as you would do with any child no matter what the number. You really are the driving force and can either improve your only child or hinder them. Parenting is key to all children, but don't bitch 30 years later when your only child still thinks their birthday is a week long event. I can tell you that my parents have just come to accept it.

If you are looking to date an only child, good luck. I won’t even begin to lie about how that in itself is an art and it takes someone who is really not too worried about sharing themselves while waiting patiently for the only child to start to share as well. However if you stick around to when they get to the sharing you’ve made it to the good part, because I refuse to believe that all only children are incapable of loving anyone but themselves.

 

No Reason to Whine ...

There is something to be said about change, and this year the change was saving myself the cost of a bottle of Advil and Gatorade.

The two weeks leading up to New Years was especially rough on Smitten and I. We both have very different feelings on New Years Eve and the tension about if we would or wouldn’t be together ate at both of us. We would have these half conversations yet never really decide if we would spend the evening together or not.

Looking back we just weren’t communicating on the whole event in itself and probably caused each other more grief than it should have. The thing that we are both learning is that with a 10 yr age gap, there are some things that we hold very differently, no matter what we see eye to eye on. I was already aware of Smitten’s rough holiday spirit in the first place due to things that have nothing to do with me, but I didn’t get that it could bleed into New Years. I also didn’t take in account that he’s had his fair share of New Years, and big shin digs or even little ones that included the elements of big ones like fancy shoes or something.

What he didn’t understand or take in to consideration is that I’m 10 years younger, a silly girl and didn’t give a damn about getting dressed up. That overall if it was grilled cheese, video games, and cheap champagne it wouldn’t matter. My point for New Years was a way to celebrate the changes in our lives in the past year; the new jobs, the growing relationship. None of it had to do with shiny shoes at all.

All those points once talked out, and an actual plan in place fore the evening became moot when a conference call on Tuesday late in the game came in to play; he was booked on a plane to Denver for NYE. I’ll admit I was mad, but I understand work. I understand the last quarter push, hitting numbers, maxing compensation or barely making the cut. I could be pissed about silly hats and streamers but there was no way I could be upset about work. So my silly girl New Years with the person I love was off the table.

So, what does a girl do when all her “plans” fail and she doesn’t get her way, an only child at that? If she is me then she ends up with her extended family playing with kids, and laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. It was junk food for 10 and Taboo because really what could be better? My family was amazing at being miserable with me, which was their plan on all along.

No, New Years wasn’t anywhere close to a repeat of last year. I was awake at 7 am this morning, no hangover, and no second hand kisses. All in all it wasn’t bad either. It was just another reminder that I am growing up, and what is important one year won’t always be what is important the next.

I’ve got a sick Smitten on a plane headed home now where the hard part will be convincing him to let me feed him Nyquil and force some rest, regardless of which bowl game might be on today.