Only-Child Syndrome

If I had the time to say something good ..

I wanna write, really I do. The material might even be worth reading. The problem is I have to catch a 630 am flight, and I need to get my but in bed so I am not dead in front of my client tomorrow.

This weekend will be smittenless and full of studying for finals. That means at some point I’ll get tired of reading about religion or government and be able to dazzle you all with something witty or clever; maybe.

Have a good rest of your week, and I’ll be seeing ya soon.

I'm THANKFUL for :

This year I can say I am simply thankful for everything. I whine, I complain, and life is never ever what I want it to be, but at the end of the day I have everything to be thankful for.

The friends I have made, and become closer with in the past year. I am not sure that it gets said enough but I do have some amazing friends. The past year there hasn’t be a challenge in my life that I haven’t been able to turn to them for guidance and support.

Turning 30. This year I got an amazing three day production of birthday festivities each one special in their own way. Another reason to admit just how lucky I am.

My family. I may not say it enough but I am extremely thankful for my family paternal and otherwise.

The job that I hate and love all at the same time.

My relationship with Smitten. It’s been an interesting, trying and challenging past few months but all in the ways that that help you grow as a person. I am thankful that we have taken the time to work through the problems one by one, and continue to work through the tough spots and enjoy the really good.

Lastly I am thankful for this video, because GOD that was when MTV and the Music Awards hadn’t totally jumped the shark.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I am as packed as it is going to get this evening. I have my alarm set early enough to finish up, before we head out for an 830 departure. I am taking homework for the plane ride, and my Zune for noise control. There will also be Starbucks in my morning run.

Denver should prove to be a great trip, and finally lay some ground for the future. Either that or it will all fall apart, and I’ll be left with all those questions of doubt. That’s the way gambling goes, the highs are high and the lows, well are low. (how cliché)

I am looking forward to the food, the drinking, and the football because come one what girl wouldn’t be looking forward that? Say what you want, I don’t care how many people don’t like Phillip Rivers; hell I don’t like him most of the time but that’s not stopping me from backing down from my pick of this game as soon as the schedule was put out. In a perfect world I’d chose next weekends game and we could be watching Drew Bree’s play.

It’s late and I don’t know if BMOC won tonight, I’m going to say no as they had a really tough non-district game but maybe he got to play. I myspace’d so I should know in the am. I also told him I didn’t want to hear any BS about Jay Cutler being the strongest QB in the league. It drives me a little nutz that all the men in my life are soooo not on my side on this one, or maybe that’s exactly how I like it ?

Everyone have a great weekend. Those in Houston stay safe. Those in Dallas stay as sober as possible.

 

Expect Random Mobile Blogging

(peace)

 

"Officially" Ready For Denver

*snicker*

Anxiety 101

Today I went and gave away a ton of money so that I can move in October. This is the most money I have ever committed to rent while living on my own, and I only broke out in hives, and hyperventilated once. I think that is some progress all in itself. The problem with finding a decent place is trying to figure out how to stay near the middle of the gym, school, and of course work. Throw in my OCD that says that I need to drive in a complete circle, and my location only makes sense.

The apartment staff is something alright, but it might all work in my favor. It was also humorous as the apartment I actually decided on, they technically received a check on earlier in the day but had yet to return with all the needed paperwork. So, in the end I WON. I’m excited about the move although I don’t know how exciting it is to move almost nothing into your new fabulous, apartment and know that you might not even be done furnishing it by the time your lease is up. Which brings to light a whole other situation in itself; as most of yesterday was spent bickering with Smitten.

I know that it’s really impossible to read someone’s mind, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to have it happen with me on regular bases. He kept giving me pro’s and con’s when all I really needed to hear from him was how long of a lease to sign. We have talked enough about the future to know that at some point we will co-habitat, and getting locked into a lease could effect when that might happen.  Of course the length of my lease is also no guarantee that at the end of it we will be ready either, but sometimes less is more. Once we finally got to the root of my frustration it made it quite clear he couldn’t read my mind. *sigh*

Besides the pending move which is about six weeks away, tickets to Denver have been purchased and I am SUPER excited! I mean I’m not a Bronco’s fan, but I am a football fan and I can totally appreciate the history and what not behind the stadium. Plus just sharing something that I know has been a part of his life forever is something all in its own. October will be a pretty busy month as well. Now I need to figure out school. I really am tempted to take only one class this semester to get caught up on everything else in my life. I think I may need to double up on my anxiety med’s at least until November rolls around and life takes a deep breath.

 

Sacrifice for the sake of Sacrifice

My life is not built around sacrifice by any means. I am single, have no children and therefore give up very little in life for the sake of someone else. I don’t know if that this makes me a bad person; a taker overall. I mean I do charity work, give blood, I am a donor, but I’m not sure those things count much towards sacrifice. It’s not to say in life I haven’t sacrificed, but it has been a long time since I gave up something for someone else; to meet someone else’s wants or needs. My mother would tell you that it’s all my grandmother’s fault, but I’ll tell you that I am selfish, not intentionally mind you but I am out for me in most situations. That is not to be said that for someone I call a friend I wouldn’t give the shirt off my back. My selfishness is an oxymoron of sorts.

Lately I have turned my world upside down for someone. This is something that has pulled me out of my comfort zone, and I’ll be honest I haven’t handled it well. I’ve actually made an ass out of myself twice now because of fear of the unknown. It hurts to be reminded of your sacrifice, especially after a bottle of Jager. (It doesn’t get much more honest than that)

At times I am down right angry with how much I’ve given up in order to truly let myself be with someone, and don’t feel that I am getting much in return. Patience is not my strong suit, and although changes are happening they aren’t the changes that are most important to me. They aren’t the changes that make things for me any better. Instead I continue to try and be respectful, and open, and giving, and all the things that I am not very good at. I have to admit that I am becoming bitter about it all. My passive aggressiveness is starting to show, and I really do wonder how much longer I can stand in the shadows of my own life, bending for the sake of someone else.

This isn’t to say that I am ungrateful for the person in my life. When we are together there is no other place I’d rather be. The looks and small grazes of touch make me feel complete and happy. I need, crave, and want that attention on more frequent bases. I want weekends, not every weekend, but weekends where it feels like there is something more, that there is a future of more.

I wonder if I made the wrong choice, but only time will tell that. It doesn’t mean that  at times I don’t resent what I have changed, or what I’ve given up, and that seems to be what I need to work through now. Those are MY problems, and I can recognize that. I know that they are my issues, and I need to decide what I can live with, and live without. I need to figure out how to see it for what it can be, and less of what it is for now.

Sundays

Sundays in my mind are by far the worst day of the week to be single. You miss the morning coffee and paper, or brunch and mimosa buzz before noon. Mind you, those things can always be done alone but when done with the right person it makes it all that much better.

For a while Sundays were girls day, and that has picked up again. It’s Mexican food, and silly conversation. It’s good advice, bad ideas, and overall a weekend in review.

Sundays were a big weakness with Wanderlust. We had a very chill Sunday routine that allowed both of us to avoid the loneliness that Sundays can bring on. There was coffee, sports center, followed by a day of snacking and trash talking over NASCAR. It was anything but glamorous, but there is something to be said about a Sunday nap for no good reason. Throw in a my Kyle Busch victory dance and well you couldn’t go wrong.

Today Sunday was something new, and lovely. They were Sunday mimosas, underwear shopping in the gayborhood, and driving around looking at houses at random. There were discussions about bounce houses, and accents. There was lots of laughing, and smiling. Lots of smiling. I like the lots of smiling. It’s something to easily get used to.

Silver Lining ...

There has been SO much to happen since I started my mini vacation on Friday, and some of it I plan on writing about when I grab some down time. The conversation below however might only be funnier if I’d actually heard it. It is also pretty entertaining to think of what the Bishop might have said had he overheard it.

J-Ho: How long have ya’ll dated?
Smitten: Around 3 months or so.
J-Ho: Well at least you don’t have a kid yet!

The greatness of the line of course is it can be used when talking about ANYTHING!

Me: “Hey I can’t breathe thanks to Jelly B sleeping on my head.”
Smitten: “At least we don’t have a kid!!”

Me: “You could have totally killed me driving like that damnit!”
Smitten: “Hey, at least we don’t have a kid!!”

Golden I tell ya!

G33ks

Smitten: “You don’t have a USB drive with you, huh?”

Me: “Pfffft, who do you think you are talking to?”

Me: “I carry one in my car at all times!”

Smitten: “OH!”

Doesn’t every good g33k have a USB drive at all times?

 

Separation Anxiety …

I know that I posted that WanderLust and I broke up the other day, but today the real break up took place. My friend MoodyBitch preaches about needing two months of separation before you can break the oxytocin  that is needed for real separation. I don’t know that I totally believe it, but I can say that a  break in the  bond can only help both of us move forward.

There is no doubt that I didn’t want to have to give up my friendship/relationship with WanderLust, even with my new relationship on the rise. No, I just wanted us to pretend that we didn’t spend the last seven months in a pseudo relationship. The reason that I say this is because anyone who knows us mutually will tell you all about the relationship we have presented. I wanted us to be just friends, no real emotional attachment, no Sundays on the couch and no pushing buttons to give each other hell. I wanted him to be able to avoid all of those things on his own, and for  me to be the innocent bystander. That is what all I wanted, but the sad truth is hearing about what he was, or wasn’t doing since his move made me nothing but sad and probably a little jealous.  I don’t have a real reason except for I am an only child, and do not want to share or hear about his good times. Selfish? Hell fucking YEAH! Irrational, OMG YES. Do I feel sorry for it? No, because Wanderlust knows me just well enough to know that it is not totally unexpected from me, that it means how much I care for him, sexually or friendship wise..

So what now? After a conversation filled with tears; I had to come clean and the fact is we do need to break the bond. We need some space, and that means no talking. That means no calling him, txting him, or im'ing him to bitch, gripe, complain. It means no wine “tastings” that end up with sleepovers. I wanted to be a better person, and explained that to him.. I wanted to BE ok with our friendship, his moving on, but I can’t change who I am. He knows me, he cares for me, maybe even luvs me, and he knows that no matter how much I change; how many changes I make. He will always be who he is to me, and I will always want to remember OUR memories.

What is next? Lust and I came to an agreement about contacting one another. I made it clear that if he needed me, he should pick up the phone, and if I needed him I would do the same. Anything other than that we would just not talk for as Moody says "at least two months." She will tell you that WanderLust is an amazing man, a great friend, and funny as fuck. He is lots of wonderful things, more than even I can tell you, and without a doubt I need him in my life. I just need him two months from from now. I need to give myself a chance to get what I want, deserve, and then figure out how we fit. He deserves that.

In all my posting about Lust, which please don’t think will be going away; even with a two month break; I am pretty sure he will turn up again. He is more than an important fixture of who I feel I am, especially now. The truth be told, Smitten is just as amazing. Today he took me out to celebrate a recent upgrade in my life. One that I will talk about soon, but he took me in spite of what might be considered his own hard times. He still wanted to celebrate my excitement, achievement, and was only a little offended when I tried to pay the bill. I won’t go into details yet, but there are some to come. So the lessons learned for today?

Lust is not your average man. He’s passed that. Smitten is by far the same. Some women go their whole lives never having a great friend in their life, or even a great relationship. If life continues to twist and turn; I will be lucky enough to say I have had both, and then some.  I will be fortunate enough to say that I have an amazing man on both sides of the coin. I will be smart enough to admit it.