Only-Child Syndrome

Goodbye 2009; you will not be missed ...

I wrote this last night on my facebook and remembered OMG I have a blog; I bet you all thought I had forgotten about it. 

 So today you get yesterdays post, but starting tomorrow you'll get something witty, funny, embersassing, and plain and simple unedited. Why you ask? Well if I started to learn to use comas, colons, and semi-colons correctly would you love me more? If so .... you are just TOO shallow :)

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It only seems fitting that I start writing again one day before the New Year. 2009 was a year that sucked so much energy out of me that even something as soul cleansing as writing lost it’s touch and instead I think the year swallowed me whole and left me empty. In no particular order I’d like to say goodbye to some things that were hard to let go, move on, and get past but have fueled my drive for the 2010 year and all it should bring …

To Wanderlust:  who I will forever love. He was my best friend, my rock and it sucks that no matter how good we ever were that when the day came that I needed him he’d fail me. It’s hard to look at yourself and say “I’m his crutch” but in the end that is what proved to be true. He’s an amazing man and taught me so much about myself and got me writing again in the first place however when all I wanted to do was drunk dial him and yell about how much energy seemed wasted; well the writing was on the wall. Our memories will always be with me, and for that I am thankful and wouldn’t change anything. Our paths may even cross again, but we will never be the same and to those days I say goodbye.

To the job: that I killed myself on a daily basis only to learn within the first few months the cards were stacked against me. To the IT department that I fought with tooth and nail for each client I had I bid you farewell. Not every memory will be bad as I met some wonderful people, but if I learned anything it is no matter how good you may be at your job if someone wants you gone and they have enough power; it will happen.

To my Aunt who passed: The love that she had for our family and myself her horse; she will be thought of lots but I say goodbye to the grief and move on to happier memories of her life. To the thoughts of cold nights, and bunk beds with my cousin chadder mc chadderson, and of her ready to beat up my boyfriend of 17 because she thought he was cheating on me. Yes, goodbye to the body with cancer that took her away from us. For now she lives stronger and better somewhere else, somewhere better.

Goodbye to the me: Who never feels accepted yet craves acceptance  by everyone and accepting it is nothing but a pipe dream. Instead it will be a year of being ok with myself and loving every minute of being me. Goodbye to the haters who don’t get that I am selfish at times, spoiled at others, but if you take even a moment to get to know me that I am full of love for everyone. This only childsyndrome is easy to break ... 

To 2010 a year full of change physically, mentally and spiritually. Please let it be good to all of us and please inspire me to fill these pages again .. so much to say as always ;) 

Tool ... Before & After

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.
Alive, I

Tool has always been someone else’s band. They once belonged to Phuz, Mueller, and most recently Wanderlust. They are a band I’ve always appreciated it, rocked to when played but never ever felt like there was a chapter in my life that they filled.

Tonight I stood with three good friends knowing that Wanderlust was somewhere in the same venue and knowing that some of what I would hear would be music that I saw threw his eyes more so than anyone I know. The part I didn’t expect is when those words would take over and no longer would they belong to him or anyone else; no they actually depicted me and my life. Tool finally told a story all of my own.

I now also own a brand new pair of boy shorts and a t-shirt (thanks 5’10”) and it’s not because someone else will enjoy them, but because I no longer need a boy to field Tool for me. Tonight I came full circle with a band I have listened to for years, but tonight in that small theater I HEARD them, and hearing them for the first time made them mine.

 

 

Still breathing ....

I wanted to start writing about a normal summer life. Beer, sand, and plenty of trips but life decided against. I talked about my semester of writing and it looks like life is about to write my last chapter of my portfolio of illness, religion, and god. Death is going to be added to the mix and because my head is so wrapped around the events paining me such as my aunt preparing to pass I am having a hard time thinking of anything creative.

My mother turned 51 and I swore a text was all she was going to get, but instead I learned of hospice and went and sat and just watched my sit and watch.

Smitten has been gone for so long that it makes my heart ache, and I am counting the  minutes until his plane lands. I need a strong shoulder right now and I know that his can carry the weight.

I am still looking forward to dinner with Lust and getting an update on the adventures of Wondergrl. There is also my dad’s birthday and father’s day to look forward to where I will break out some culinary skill for the masses.

Numerouno will be celebrating his birthday this week and I have yet to decide if I am ready for dinner just yet. We spoke a few times this weekend but with everything going on with my aunt I have to be careful to not let him carry me. He knows my family, my aunt, and it would be so easy to get caught up in that familiarity and forget that we are where we are because of his past actions. Our friendship has to be rebuilt in a slow fashion and his birthday might be a little too soon.

In other news I am still a rockstar at work and thank goodness for that. It’s enough to keep me busy without going completely insane right now. It kept me grounded today and I only found myself in tears once.

So yeah, I apologize no happy stories to report just yet.

Nope, Not Dead ....

It’s been over a month since I have written anything that didn’t deal with drugs, death, or religion. I actually have a whole portfolio from this semester filled with three very different views of my life and my memories both current and old. It’s hard to sit here and not take myself so serious but that is exactly what I need.

Everything these days feels so serious and it’s really starting to change my outlook on many things. Things are getting serious at work, and even though I’m the new company ROCKSTAR it almost feels like a grown up job and I am just not ready for that. I still have so much school left and the balancing act has to be one of perfection.

My relationship with Smitten has been serious, and lately it has been serious rocks. We are strained with his travel schedule, my impending family stress and the things that so easily made us laugh have lost their luster. I know this is the growing pains part and I am ok with that. I just really wish they would have waited until everything else in my life had settled.

I am happy to report that if there is one person I can count on to not give me the serious it’s Lust. His birthday is coming up and I am so excited I can barely stand it. We haven’t seen each other since October and even though we have our txt messages, and very irregular catch up phone calls I know that I can count on him to make me laugh until I cry.  I need some of that laughter and I know his birthday will provide just that. I was also smart enough to make him agree to dinner a month in advance because Wanderlust might soon have a Wondergrl and well you know how couples and birthdays are. That is all I’m going to say about that because I don’t want to jinx any goodness that might be on the horizon for him.

I’d like to give more of an insight of the serious but it just wears me out thinking about it. My mother turns 51 in 3 days and we aren’t even speaking.

Numerouno (who is making his first appearance here/ i.e. first love) has come back into my life amongst a whirl wind of his own drama. I swear just every now and then if the men in my life would listen to me they’d save themselves some drama, heartache, and cash. Why he’s back, what he wants, and the things I’ve learned about things that happened 10 years ago will be a story for another day. All of the events are very relevant.

Tomorrow I have to travel and the only real purpose of this post was to make me write something so anyone still reading knows that it’s summer and I hope to fill the next two months as often as I can with posts about silly good times.

 

 

Hello Stranger ...

It has been a while since I’ve written anything that was for me. Something that wasn’t going to be graded and or discussed like I wasn’t in the room, although those things don’t bother me they don’t give me the satisfaction that writing like this with errors and all does. *see there is probably all kinds of errors in that last lil bit (won’t call it a sentence) and I don’t care because well you are the internet and not my professor*

Life has been interesting, hard, confusing and the only thoughts that I really had this morning is that Duke lost to Villanova and I wanted to do a victory dance is Wanderlust’s living room. It’s the little things that keep me going, instead of the big things like dropping out of math that keep me down.

Smitten and I are just that; smitten. I don’t even know where to begin except that we’ve now been to therapy together. OMG, no we aren’t breaking up. I swear if I get asked one more time what is wrong I’ll start making up all the reasons couples go to therapy like I dunno “I think he might be gay?”, or “I think maybe I’m gay?.”

No, all is well and the therapy is really just foundation in learning to communicate because while I can tell you everything you’ll ever need to know in a day or two,  he needs time to think about it, mull it over and maybe he’ll actually figure out why he did or didn’t do what he said.

 I know it was hard for him; I could see it as soon as he picked me up and could tell by the silence on the way home but last night we really talked about the session itself. (Note we’ve already started doing the things that were suggested as a way to learn even better communication skills) He said that he didn’t know it would be that hard, told his own therapist that even, and in return his therapist was impressed he even went.

If it’s been said once, it’s been said a million times he really cares about me and it shows when he does things that is so out of his norm. The hard part for me is that I always want more. It’s not that I want him to do more; it’s just that telling me a childhood story is not the same as sharing your life. I know I sound greedy, but I AM.

The more I get the more I want. I’m sorry folks it is, what it is. I don’t plan on changing that much in the way I don’t plan on changing. The simple fact/facts are that every time Kyle Busch EVER wins a race, or Duke EVER loses in the BIG DANCE I am going to want to do one helluva a victory dance in Lust’s living room, and that in itself make me … well ME.

However, the fact is I’ve grown enough and continue to grow and learn and even at times ACCEPT that it’s never going to be all my way. Also, as an FYI should it EVER be all about me the entire world should worry. I think I’d make Hillary look like Glenda the Good Witch.

No, I understand that life is about give and take, and right now I should be more worried about what I’ve been given instead of taking what I have not.

 

WHINE

I won’t try to explain and or justify what I call the Lust/Child relationship. It’s childish at times and last night was one of those times. When we split we made rules of what we would and or wouldn’t do. Now, how we thought we were going to be able to enforce these rules is beyond me, but at the time of our very civil conversation we had reached some far fetched agreements.

Depending on whom you ask I broke first. I guess I didn’t really take all those rules so seriously and maybe interrupted them in my favor. I dunno, but the argument that it caused was retarded and we realized that there are no rules in which we could place on one another EXCEPT the neighborhood clause.

Lust has had the same wine bar for as long as I have known him. I have been there one time and actually before him and I ever met. There is no secret that this bar is his. I would never just at random show up there; actually I don’t think I’d ever go there at all. You can believe however should I ever need to step a foot in the bar, I’d call ahead. Again, this sounds silly but I understand and get having your Cheers.

This being said I was furious/upset/irrational depending on who you ask when I received an email saying that Lust had been in MY WINE BAR. I couldn’t even fathom how it is that he’d even felt right about being there. Again, this isn’t rational and I don’t expect anyone to think it is but this is a two way rule as silly as it sounds. What is HIS belongs to him and I’ve even scheduled things around places that I’d consider his haunts seeing as he lives in a pretty happening part of town. So again hearing him talk about MY wine bar, and having a late dinner at the restaurant that I told him about, the same one he took me to for my birthday totally upset me.

I emailed him exactly how upset I was, and yes I know that MY neighborhood is not one of his usual places although it is near his office, and had he been in any other place in my neighborhood I might have teased him a little and let it go. However, I put my foot down and drew the neighborhood line.

HE has HIS WINE BAR, and I have MY WINE BAR. I totally think mine is better so that helps, but I’m sure he’ll tell you his is great too. (He’s allowed to think whatever he wants; the cheese platter is proof enough that I’m right)

There isn’t any point to this story except for me to say MINE, MINE, and MINE!

Another old year turns into another new one ....

I wish that last year I’d written a real New Year’s post on my last blog. Something that I could look back on and see if I really cut the mustard in 2008, but the only thing I really said was “DAMN I’M HOT”. Yes I was feeling VERY shallow come the end of last year.

 So, instead I will highlight 2008 old school bullet style:

• Had my friendship with Lust flourish and fizzle while learning so much about myself. I am lucky to know him, and will be happy when someday we can meet in the middle. Just because I don’t think we can be close friends now doesn’t mean that I don’t look forward the future where we can.

• Changed jobs successfully and upgraded my pay scale. I don’t feel any richer, but the change was much needed. I feel it was a step up even though at times I miss my old job like crazy.
• Continued to further my education and keep my 4.0 in place.
• Got a trainer and at least for a good while kept up a good pace of course the past month I’ve crashed burned, but that’s what is great about New Years and getting to start all over. (I still think I’m hot though, don’t be fooled)
• Turned 30. Nothing else needs to be said.
• Found a real relationship with an amazing man who still believes that mix cd’s make girls swoon,  never calls me cute and thinks football is a religion. (all qualities that I totally lo It’s not always the easiest relationship, but it's not that hard either, although sometimes my posts might not always just say that.

 What will I do in 2009?

• Work on my finances and become more stable even with the economy taking a nose dive.

• Continue to spend time with my trainer and remain healthy. (and HAWT)
• Work hard in school but try to remember to breathe, and not always take myself so seriously.
• Rekindle friendships. There are many people who may not know that I think of them almost everyday and miss them dearly.
• Work on both my emotional and spiritual well being.
  
• Spend more time with my family immediate, and further out. I always want to make sure to spend plenty of time with BMOC before he's grown, and leaving for school.
  
• Continue to build my relationship because any man who throws this on a CD full of other “love songs” makes me smile in ways that I can’t even begin to put in words.
  

 

Emotional Vomit (sorry I couldn't think of any other way to describe it)

Today I wrote this long post about pocket dialing, Gemini and Libras and how they compute in my world. I wrote about Lust, and anxiety and I got a lot of my chest. I talked about the fact I just wanted the LAST FUCKING WORD, and good god does he have to be as stubborn as me?

The timing of today’s events were even more so dramatic because my trainer had just asked about Lust yesterday; wanting to know how he was doing, and if I had any good stories. A lot of this has to do with the fact that my trainer will be Lust in years to come and I’ve always told him that.

It’s December and this month of all months I’ve fought the urge to “bump” in to him in some way or form and just make sure he’s alright. I mean I am sure he is, but that doesn’t make me want to know any less, but I haven’t because I also know that there is no point in it.

So this post focused on how the hell did my phone call a number that was deleted over a month ago, and then when I did figure out whom the txt’s were from why it had to end with me questioning why it was HE always needed the last word.

I’ll be honest the post that I wrote, the one that is sitting on my hard drive at work was much more poetic, written with more passion and action words. I also think I said fuck more than once, and used bold font and lots of caps. Yes, you are all missing out on that post but not having that post at my finger tips has caused me to write this post. I’ll admit it’s not that much to read and kind of cryptic if you will. The problem is I still needed to put all of that into words and not for you, but for me, because all day long it has eaten at me to the point I’ve felt sick. So, what do I do when I can’t get that I just ate a corny dog and rode the Love Bug twice feeling? I put it into print for all or none to read, it doesn’t matter. It’s the exercise that makes it better, not really the content.

Accidents Happen ...

I was in an accident tonight. I am sore, but I think overall I will be fine. It seems like a wake up call of some sort. I am a glass half empty kind of girl, and tonight proves exactly why. When it was all over and I was safely inside my own walls I started thinking about my entire life, and how it doesn’t measure to where I want it to, and how this accident was just another example of steps backwards.

I know that I am probably being over dramatic as there are many people with many more issues than me, but that doesn’t mean that right now I don’t feel totally alone in my struggles. This is exactly when being an only child kicks in. This is where I feel the world should be all about me, and that someone should be more than willing to draw me a bath, and tell me it will be ok when I cry.

That is the thing about being an only child that sucks the most. The attention at times you feel you need. It isn’t an all the time thing, but every now and then it’s probably more needed than the average person. I do nothing small.

If I haven’t said it in a long time, it’s nights like these I miss Lust the most. Not because he could fix it, or even make it better, but just because he knows. It’s the knowing part that makes the rest so much easier. It sucks to have to let go of something or someone so important to have something like this happen and them be the person you feel would understand the most. Not the action itself, but the way you feel deep down and never judge you for it. Not even a little bit.

Is my word over? It feels like it right now. Is that me being dramatic, and making an mountain out of a mole hill? Probably so, but in my head and my world my glass just got kicked over.

Your point is what?

WL: “You are a high maintenance spoiled brat ;)”

DUH!