In reading Stephanie Klein’s blog today she hit such a nerve. You should go read it over here to get a feel of where I am going with this post, and it might not be exactly where you’d think. I want to first say I commend Stephanie for being so comfortable in her skin, in her life, and I want to say that I’m ever so jealous of her for that. I am more comfortable in my skin than I have been in years, but at the same time there is a part of me that is chasing a girl in a picture, a picture I don’t even have a copy of anymore. A picture that I haven’t seen in years, but reminds me of how beautiful I felt at twenty. I wish I knew which of my friends still has a copy of a picture that will always be couchroll.jpg to share, but maybe it’s better because the me in my mind might be much hotter than I actually was ;)
The fact
that in reading Stephanie’s it was the picture that came to my mind first only
touches on the evening it was taken. I remember every detail of that weekend,
of that night at the I-Ball in
Houston. I remember the DJ playing, and ice sculpture in the middle of the main room.
Thank god for the ice sculpture because it may have been the only thing
providing any type of cold air in the whole damn place. That night was hot, and
sticky, and there were so many people there, but you might not have known it if
you were with my group of friends. We had a way of making our own party no matter how many people might
have been in “our space”.
When I hit the gym I think a lot about the girl I was at twenty and not just because of how I looked, but I won’t lie and try to say it isn’t a factor. What I really miss about me was how confident I was, and how good in my skin I felt. Of course it’s easy to feel that at twenty. No one has broken your heart, or had a chance to fuck with your head, and you haven’t really trusted anyone other than family yet and had it backfire. At twenty I still had so much life ahead of me, and now nearing thirty I want some of that feeling back.
That picture is about so much more than my body, because anyone who knows me can vouch for the fact I’ve never been afraid of naked. Hell, there are time when I probably should have been more afraid of it. Now days I’m thinner, hell I am probably in better shape than I was at twenty thanks to a trainer, and lots of meals of salmon and mushrooms, but that doesn’t change the fact I’m still chasing the girl in that picture. I want her confidence. I want her freedom. I want her abs. I just want to feel that good about myself again.
The funny thing about it all is that it’s easier to say all of that in a place where anyone could find it, than in the comfort of those closest to me. I have held my cards so close to my chest that people might be surprised to know just how self conscious I really am. Hell, if I’m honest with myself I might be surprised at just how self conscious I am.
That picture might have been my past, but I hope that girl is in my future. Again.
