Only-Child Syndrome

The only child comes home …

In 2009 I lost a job that in the end I hated so it wasn’t really a loss. No instead it was the loss of a paycheck, but in the end I know I’d still be there miserable had it not happened. I didn’t exactly go out on good terms as a certain finger got me into some hot water but truth be told they were looking for any reason considering me and MEGABITCH were never going to get a long and the company was never going to become company focused. 

 So what did that mean for the only child?? I went home. *sigh* This was my worse nightmare especially at my age but sometimes in this company you have to suck up your pride and do what you have to do, and coming home was just that. 

 The thing that surprises me most is that it hasn’t been horrible and this morning reminds me of why sometimes being here allows me and my mother to heal and reconnect. Some of my most favorite moments are when we lay in her bed, coffee in hand and just talk about all those things that I’ve been sheltered from for so long. She ALMOST treats me like an adult. 

 I don’t plan on being here much longer as I’ve been fortunate enough to find a job in what is considered a short period of time. (2 months) I have to say I will miss being here, but not enough that I’ll be here for the long term. Thank you Uncle Sam and the wonderful tax return that will allow me to catch myself up and get out back in the real world, but also thank you unemployment that I never got for making sure that I stayed so damn broke that life felt impossible but thank you to the wonderful friends, boyfriend (smitten) and again to my parents …

2010 is my year;  I can just feel it. 

/end mushy posts sometime this week I’ll get into the nitty gritty of making fun of myself because as nice as being here is for now. I still fight tooth and nail to GET MY WAY …. 

Still breathing ....

I wanted to start writing about a normal summer life. Beer, sand, and plenty of trips but life decided against. I talked about my semester of writing and it looks like life is about to write my last chapter of my portfolio of illness, religion, and god. Death is going to be added to the mix and because my head is so wrapped around the events paining me such as my aunt preparing to pass I am having a hard time thinking of anything creative.

My mother turned 51 and I swore a text was all she was going to get, but instead I learned of hospice and went and sat and just watched my sit and watch.

Smitten has been gone for so long that it makes my heart ache, and I am counting the  minutes until his plane lands. I need a strong shoulder right now and I know that his can carry the weight.

I am still looking forward to dinner with Lust and getting an update on the adventures of Wondergrl. There is also my dad’s birthday and father’s day to look forward to where I will break out some culinary skill for the masses.

Numerouno will be celebrating his birthday this week and I have yet to decide if I am ready for dinner just yet. We spoke a few times this weekend but with everything going on with my aunt I have to be careful to not let him carry me. He knows my family, my aunt, and it would be so easy to get caught up in that familiarity and forget that we are where we are because of his past actions. Our friendship has to be rebuilt in a slow fashion and his birthday might be a little too soon.

In other news I am still a rockstar at work and thank goodness for that. It’s enough to keep me busy without going completely insane right now. It kept me grounded today and I only found myself in tears once.

So yeah, I apologize no happy stories to report just yet.

Nope, Not Dead ....

It’s been over a month since I have written anything that didn’t deal with drugs, death, or religion. I actually have a whole portfolio from this semester filled with three very different views of my life and my memories both current and old. It’s hard to sit here and not take myself so serious but that is exactly what I need.

Everything these days feels so serious and it’s really starting to change my outlook on many things. Things are getting serious at work, and even though I’m the new company ROCKSTAR it almost feels like a grown up job and I am just not ready for that. I still have so much school left and the balancing act has to be one of perfection.

My relationship with Smitten has been serious, and lately it has been serious rocks. We are strained with his travel schedule, my impending family stress and the things that so easily made us laugh have lost their luster. I know this is the growing pains part and I am ok with that. I just really wish they would have waited until everything else in my life had settled.

I am happy to report that if there is one person I can count on to not give me the serious it’s Lust. His birthday is coming up and I am so excited I can barely stand it. We haven’t seen each other since October and even though we have our txt messages, and very irregular catch up phone calls I know that I can count on him to make me laugh until I cry.  I need some of that laughter and I know his birthday will provide just that. I was also smart enough to make him agree to dinner a month in advance because Wanderlust might soon have a Wondergrl and well you know how couples and birthdays are. That is all I’m going to say about that because I don’t want to jinx any goodness that might be on the horizon for him.

I’d like to give more of an insight of the serious but it just wears me out thinking about it. My mother turns 51 in 3 days and we aren’t even speaking.

Numerouno (who is making his first appearance here/ i.e. first love) has come back into my life amongst a whirl wind of his own drama. I swear just every now and then if the men in my life would listen to me they’d save themselves some drama, heartache, and cash. Why he’s back, what he wants, and the things I’ve learned about things that happened 10 years ago will be a story for another day. All of the events are very relevant.

Tomorrow I have to travel and the only real purpose of this post was to make me write something so anyone still reading knows that it’s summer and I hope to fill the next two months as often as I can with posts about silly good times.

 

 

It's only a job right?

Its sucks to leave a job that in one minute you can feel like you’ve made some headway, and leave totally in tears. Crying in parking lots, crying at the thought of the next day at work are not really the way I operate so the fact I find myself acting this way I have to stop and take inventory. These actions are exactly what my job has become to me. The place is worse than crack. The highs really high and the lows so low that I wonder at times how it is I will muster up the strength to go back the next day.

I’m at a crossroads where I need figure out exactly where I stand and either decides to move forward and do the job I know I’m capable of, and let everyone else go on about their way. I can on the other hand throw in the towel and move on. It isn’t in me to be a job hopper but if it looks like more bad days than good, well I’ve just worked t hard to be in a good place to let a job of all things take it away.

Right now I’m tired, I’m whiney and I’m full of emotion. I am hoping after 8 hours I will be more at ease and today’s stress will be yesterdays stress and tomorrow will be the new high. Only 8 hours and counting until we find out if that’s what the day will have in store…

 

It's only talking outloud ....

I’ve never hid the fact that I’m a fan of therapy. There is just something about letting out all the crap
you’ve been carrying around for years to make you feel just a little bit lighter.

I’ve been doing it for about a month now, and this time it’s much harder than it’s been before. Maybe because I’m not showing up to blab for an hour, but I’m working towards something; what that something is might be the tougher question. I really hate the childhood questions because I wonder which childhood she wants to know about. The happy one or the one that landed me on her couch, both very valid yet each so very separate to who I am today. In a box if you will and apparently that is my problem. The box that I keep myself in, away from anyone who might actually care about me and for what reason is as good as anyone’s guess.

This week’s homework is to tell someone I care about something about my life that makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t think she meant confessing something to my blog. I’m not sure it counts considering there is no way I can see the blogoshpere’s face or hear it’s voice to know if whatever makes me uncomfortable is really ok. That I am just as normal as anyone else, or at least I’m not crazier than anyone else.

I haven’t decided yet what I want to say, or to who but I’ll do it because before I left her office she dared me too. The fact she was smart enough to do that makes me think she’s probably the perfect therapist for me.

I also probably needed to talk today more than I really knew I needed to as well.

Work is stressful, relationships are tricky, and memories are just that, memories.

I needed someone to hear me out loud say that I understand the logic behind what in me needs to grow, to change. The facts are however that I don’t give a damn much when it comes to logic and emotion. I need to do what my instincts have always told me. When things get comfortable change, run. When things seem to good, they are and get out ahead of the disaster coming.

I wonder sometimes where I’d be in life if I didn’t run or push as soon as things seem to settle into
something worth being a part of. I wonder why it is I can’t relax, breathe and just enjoy. Why do I need complicated, tricky? I have no fucking idea but lets home I figure it out before I go broke one session at a time.

If I had the time to say something good ..

I wanna write, really I do. The material might even be worth reading. The problem is I have to catch a 630 am flight, and I need to get my but in bed so I am not dead in front of my client tomorrow.

This weekend will be smittenless and full of studying for finals. That means at some point I’ll get tired of reading about religion or government and be able to dazzle you all with something witty or clever; maybe.

Have a good rest of your week, and I’ll be seeing ya soon.

GRRR STUPID WORK

I am traveling …..

The end!

days like this ...

thank god for red wine

Insomnia?

It’s 4:30 and guess who is WIDE awake. It’s times like these I really wish I had a work laptop, which I might go ahead and request. I have a major project due for proof today so that we can get it to the client by COB, or first thing tomorrow morning.

I also have an on going issue that was kind of handed to me from the prior account manager. She is trying to wash her hands of the whole damn thing, and it’s driving me nutz. Throw in all the other lil projects I’ve been given and I’m ready for a vacation, or a long weekend. I guess I could get up and read some of my religion text book, or maybe do some government.

This is just a sign that today will be a long day. So, now to decide get up and shower, or lay and stare at the ceiling and pray for maybe another hour??

Nerves ...

I had so much more that I wanted to say this weekend. Other things to write about, to ease the minds of those who are so concerned, but I’m not sure I’m ready to address the topics that would cover. So instead I’ll admit that I am up earlier than I planned and the nerves are a little over the top.

Starting over no matter how old, and how much better the start is still starting over. Today feels like the first day of school, and I’m worried about what to wear and whose table I’ll sit with at lunch. Silly, a little but nerve wracking none the less.

All I can really hope is that they don’t already have a cheerleader for the team, and the quarterback isn’t an ass much like the one in the town where I grew up. Sillier, hell yea, but maybe the high school spin will make the new work environment at least a little bit funny until I figure out how just how I fit with everyone else.